English Girls: Instantly appear slimmer, sexier, better looking and classier by simply moving to Scotland.
If your house is a tip and you're expecting visitors, put get well cards out on the mantle piece, tables etc. That way they will think you've been too ill to clean up.
THINKING OF BUYING some noise-cancelling headphones? - Don't bother, I've got some on and everyone on this train can still hear me farting.
If you have a stutter, avoid using the word "ghost". Otherwise, people might think there is one behind them!
A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.
DRIVERS: Save money by putting much larger wheels on the back of your car. That way you will always be going downhill, thereby saving on fuel.
Geordie lasses on a night out - wear longer skirts otherwise I spend all night looking forward to a kebab on the way home!
If they move to Guernsey, it will look like they've lost 3 stone. Better still in New Zealand my 50" chest and 18++ stone made me a medium in the All Blacks store.
