Joke Page

Don't understand my girlfriend.. She agreed I could have a Tattoo... Now she's complaining about all the blokes with bagpipes in the garden..

 

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her Husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 pound offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker.

He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.





Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard "......

 

I used to run a dating agency for chickens but I struggled to make hens meet.

 

A redneck attended a lecture on the supernatural at the local Grange Hall. When the lecturer asked the audience how many of them believe in ghosts, 90 people raised their hands. The lecturer then asked how many of the believers had actually seen a ghost. About 40 hands went up.

"That's very interesting," said the lecturer. "Has anybody here ever talked to a ghost? About 15 hands went up.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three hands responded.

"That's amazing!," exclaimed the lecturer. "Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Bubba, in the back row, hadn't been paying close attention, but raised his hand.

The lecturer takes off his glasses and says "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost! Tell us all about it"

Bubba is kinda embarrassed, he hangs his head and says, "Shit - I thought you said a goat"

 

Little Kenny rushed home from school and told his Mum, “Mum, Mum, I saw Dad driving past school with Aunty Beck up to the paddock. I followed them up the drive way and seen Dad taking Aunty Beck’s clothes off.”

The Mum stopped him. “Wait little Ken, that’s a beautiful story, why don’t you wait til your old man gets home to tell it.”

So after dinner Mum asks little Kenny to tell his story. He starts over,

“Today, I saw Dad driving past school with Aunty Beck up to the paddock. I followed them up the drive way and seen Dad taking Aunty Beck’s clothes off, and Aunty Beck taking Dad’s clothes off.
And they did what you and Uncle Chris did while Dad was away.”

 

Nicola Sturgeon was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs Sturgeon if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."
"Incorrect", said Nicola, in her best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"
'I'm afraid not', explained Nicola, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Nicola searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Nicola, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"

 

True story: My wife's a teacher in a school in the leafy suburbs of Liverpool. During an inspection the kids had performed really well with their reading and then it came to some arithmetic. The class teacher asked, "Now, who can give me an example of tens", so little Emma put her hand up and offered, "Ten, twenty, thirty", "Very good, Emma" the teacher said encouragingly. All good so far, but when they were asked, "Who can tell me something about units", there was a bit of a pause as if the question had thrown them, but to the teacher's relief, Timmy put his hand up and said, .........

"Miss, Miss, me brudder's in a unit!"

 

A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education. You do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put £1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put twenty £50 notes onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, came the financial planner, who also placed £1,000 there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn.

He dipped into his pocket, took out his cheque book, wrote a cheque for £3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the £2,000 cash.







He later went on to become a politician.

 

I've actually done it.?.. never plumb when you are trying to finish a 36 pint polypin of Dogs Bollox before it goes off.