Joke Page

My mate Dave’s grandad, also called Dave, is 87 years old.

A few weeks ago Dave Snr walked into the famous De Beers jewellery store in London one Friday evening with a beautiful young buxom blonde stripper he’d met at a club in soho the night before at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his ‘girlfriend’.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him.

Dave Snr said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £50,000," the jeweller said.

Dave Snr’s young blonde friend’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. On seeing this the old man said, "That’s perfect.........We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and Dave Snr said that as he was old fashioned he’d like to pay by cheque.

"I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank first thing on Monday to verify the funds are there and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon" he said to the jeweller.

Monday morning came and a very pissed off jeweller phoned the old man.

"Listen” he said “I’ve checked with your bank and there's no money in that account."

"I know", said Dave Snr "but just imagine the weekend I had”

 

Last Saturday afternoon my mate Dave was outside the front of his house, sitting in his deck chair, drinking a cold beer and watching his wife, Julie mow the front lawn.

His neighbour Carol, from across the road saw that Dave was just sitting there, watching his wife do all the work and so she went over and shouted at him.

“Look at you! Sitting there like Lord Muck! You should be hung!” she said.

Dave took a drink from his bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from his lips, lifted his dark sunglasses up and stared directly into her eyes and then calmly replied......

“I am. That’s why SHE cuts the grass.”

 

Dave's wife, Julie, came home early from shopping yesterday afternoon and caught him playing with himself in the kitchen.

When she realised what he was doing she rushed over to him and gave him the best blow job of his life, ever.

Surprised at this spontaneous show of affection Dave said "Well that was a lovely surprise......We haven't had any form of sex or physical contact for the past 3 months and suddenly this . . . Why now??"

"Well" Julie answered "I only washed the floor this morning and I'd rather clean my teeth than get the bloody mop out again!!"