Joke Page

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to
extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of
pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."
"Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

 

A man picks up a girl in a party. They proceed to her place and things are
starting to heat up. He takes his shirt off and washes his hands. He takes his
pants off and washes hands again.

So, the girl tells him: "I bet you're a dentist."
Surprised he says: "That's correct, how did you know?"

"You washed your hands a few times, so I figured you're used to it."

They go on and they have sex. Then she says: "You know what? I'm willing to bet you're a
very good dentist."

"How can you know?" he asks.

"I didn't feel a thing...!"

 

A mate rang the other night & said, "Switch the telly on, Ulrika's doing the weather & she isn't half showing her age!"

 

One hot July day a couple found this old straggly cat at their door.
She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny
and hair all matted down. They felt sorry for her, and put her in
a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so they named
her pussy cat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and
said he would let them know when they could come and get her.

The husband, the complainer said, "OK, but don't forget to
wash her, she stinks."

The husband and my Vet didn't see eye to eye. He called hubby
El Cheap-O, and hubby called him El Take-O.

The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which
was located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full
of people waiting to see the Doctor. The door opened and in
popped the vet and announced to hubby,

"Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose.
And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is!"

 

A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep and keeps her and her
husband awake at night. She goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles
and he will stop snoring. Of course, the woman is very skeptical in
believing this and goes home. A few hours after going to bed, the
dog is snoring as usual. Finally, getting very frustrated, she goes
to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dog's
testicles and, sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns from
being out with his friends and he is very drunk. He climbs into bed, falls asleep
and begins snoring very loudly. The woman is desperate and thinks maybe the ribbon will work
on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it
on her husband's testicles. Amazing, it also work on him.

The woman falls asleep again and sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles
into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet,
he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his testicles.
He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon
to his dog's scrotum.

He looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember what the heck
happened last night, but where ever you and I where, we got first and
second place."

 

ookoff Another old favourite:

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who
was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be
selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at
the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are
the scorecards from the event:


Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster
Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing
kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit,
what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.


Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE
ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting
BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of
reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had
to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3:
Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse
chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit
salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the
beer.


Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean
chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the
black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look
HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an
aphrodisiac?


Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE:
Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.
Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are
ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved
my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked
me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


Chilli # 6: Vera's Very
Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight
pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!


Chilli # 7: Susan's
Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note
that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one
eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like
shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4
inch hole in my stomach.


Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's
Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This
final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that
most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the
chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank,
wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: --------------
(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

 

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About 8 pints

 

A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.
Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I'll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.
Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I'll take one of those too.
After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for."
Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.

 

New iPhone

The new iPhone 5 will be on sale soon... I've checked with Apple.

The shop said there is a two year waiting list and I was number 2,794,587,692!

What's the cost? It doesn't matter what it costs, I'm getting one.

-click below:


iPhone