Joke Page

I was in bed with a woman and she said, "I want tonight to be magical!" And it was... After we had sex, I disappeared!

 

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb!

 

I've just pulled up on the drive to see a thieving bastard run out of our back door and jump the fence…

My missus must have put up a good fight though, she was naked, drenched in sweat and could hardly walk!

 

The lottery gives you a 1 in a million chance you won't go to work tomorrow...

Alcohol gives you 1 in 5!

 

My mate Dave’s tyre and puncture repair business is so successful he recently moved into a big, old Manor House in the country.

And to think he only started with a small flat.

 

I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.

 

My New Year resolution is going well. I've haven't had any chocolate since 31st December.

I'm not even thinking about it. No sireee!

It's not even in my vocadbury.

 

My wife and I are moving into a tree-house.

I hope we don’t fall out.

 

Things Confucius did not say……but wishes he did:

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And, Confucius Did Not Say. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but Tiger Wood"

 

Apparently, Derby County’s ground, Pride Park, is going to be converted into a chip shop at the end of the season

HARRY RAMSDOWN

 

I hate it when a woman asks you to guess her age.

It's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire if you were trying to diffuse a bomb!

 

I'm not a competitive person… I'll be the first to admit it!

 

As I regained consciousness in hospital from last night's car crash, the doctors were trying to convince me I'm actually a Swedish bloke who has forgotten his identity...

But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

 

I have 2 unwritten rules.

1.

2.

 

My mate Dave and I were in the pub last night when he turned to me and said to me "Did I tell you that I've decided to go to night school to learn Vietnamese?”

“Vietnamese?” I said “………..what for"?

“You know that me and Julie have recently adopted a Vietnamese baby?” said Dave “Well I want to know what it says when it grows up"