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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. A Retired Person's Story

    Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

    Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
     
    #201 Rudolph Hart, May 14, 2012
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  2. Talking of Sainsburys ...

    I was in there the other day queing at the lottery kiosk.

    The bloke in front kept rummaging in his pockets. I asked if he's ok. He replied, "I think I've lost a tenner"

    I asked him. "Was it brown with a picture of the queens head on it?"

    The dozy pillock replied, "Yes, have you seen it?"

    Me and the girl behind the counter were pissing ourselves.
     
    #202 Greyman, May 14, 2012
  3. You ever notice how most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put the word "anal" in front of them? Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus, fiesta, raider, Escort, fusion, Escape!!!!
     
    #203 Geo7863, May 14, 2012
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  4. My rather large girlfriend decided to take an aerobics class, I was amazed at the way she bent, twisted, gyrated and jumped up and down for an hour....... Unfortunately, by the time the fat twat got her leotard on the class was over!!
     
    #204 Geo7863, May 14, 2012
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  5. I think jokes about German sausages are the wurst!
     
    #205 Geo7863, May 14, 2012
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  6. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
     
    #206 Major, May 14, 2012
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  7. I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and shat myself.
     
    #207 Geo7863, May 14, 2012
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  8. I was in Manchester recently and met a Transvestite. He had a Wigan address.
     
    #208 shadow, May 15, 2012
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  9. The mother in law has been missing a week now.
    Police said to prepare for the worst.
    So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
     
    #209 Rudolph Hart, May 15, 2012
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  10. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

    Talk about Dyson with death.
     
    #210 Rudolph Hart, May 15, 2012
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  11. In front of me in the supermarket checkout queue was a woman with two noisy young kids in a stroller.

    I asked her if they were twins. She said “what’s wrong with you, are you blind, can’t you see they‘re not the same age?”

    I said “well yes I can, but my first thought was why anyone would want to shag you twice”
     
    #211 chickenman, May 16, 2012
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  12. I was explaining to the mother in law that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

    She said, "I would like to come back as a cow."

    I said, "You’re obviously not listening...."
     
    #212 Rudolph Hart, May 16, 2012
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  13. Now that India has legalised homosexuality, the first lesbian couple have got married.
    So, congratulations to Sukme Phlaps and Makemeclit Singh.
     
    #213 Pierre 66, May 16, 2012
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  14. LOL!!!

    And not forgetting - Transit!
     
    #214 cockneyjanner, May 16, 2012
  15. Popular & Prefect anyone?
     
    #215 Rudolph Hart, May 16, 2012
  16. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

    It was a lovely service
     
    #216 Rudolph Hart, May 16, 2012
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  17. If I had a Penny for everytime someone called me a retard.... my poo would be full of half digested pennies!
     
    #217 Geo7863, May 17, 2012
  18. A woman enters a doctors surgery with a little girl in tow. Yes, said the doctor what is the problem? 'My daughter farts like a sonic boom says the lady - it would be even worse but luckily the farts do not smell.' 'I'll have to check her out' says the doctor and leads the obedient pig-tailed nine year old behind his surgery screen.....moments later there is a loud bbbbbbbbooooooooommmmmmmratattataaaaaaataat!!!! The doctor appears from behind the screen looking somewhat dishevelled - 'I'll have to operate' he says...'Oh no not on my little girls bottom' said the lady.......'no' replied the doctor 'on your nose'........................
     
    #218 theod70, May 17, 2012
  19. Thats Classic, :)
     
    #219 Ghost, May 17, 2012
  20. 'MP's suggest reusing your bath water to help in the drought'.

    I tried it..

    My cup of tea was fecking awful.
     
    #220 Geo7863, May 17, 2012
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