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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. I bought a water butt to see me through the drought, but it floated away.
     
    #221 paulfastbikes, May 18, 2012
  2. First car was a 93A (popular) I often wondered what the A stood for.
     
    #222 catweazle, May 18, 2012
  3. They were designated E93A
     
    #223 Ghost, May 18, 2012
  4. Just remembered the Consul, the Edge, E-350 Super Duty Extended (eek!), Freestyle, Courier, Tracer, Windstar, and of course The Laser....
     
    #224 Rudolph Hart, May 18, 2012
  5. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
    As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
    3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
    I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
     
    #225 Rudolph Hart, May 18, 2012
    Last edited: May 18, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Cracker
     
    #226 theod70, May 18, 2012
  7. Robin Hood and his Merry Men were gathered in a copse deep in Sherwood Forest with our hero standing on an earth mound addressing his troops: 'Right men' said the man in green 'We're off into Nottingham to rape the men and rob the women' there was hardly a ring of enthusiasm from Hoods' followers....one piped up and said 'Sorry Robin, don't you mean rape the women and rob the men?' Another high pitched voice came from within the Merry throng: 'You leave Robin alone, he knows what he's doing'.........
     
    #227 theod70, May 18, 2012
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  8. Three viking long boats are travelling towards England two are rowing well, speeding through the water and the third is lagging behind 'catching crabs' and generally rowing like a boatrace crew(!) When dry land was reached the Chief Viking stepped on the shore and shouted 'Boat number 1 -----FIRE! Loud cheers from the boat crew who all ran off to the nearest village. Chief Viking then yelled out 'Boat number 2 -----PILLAGE!' The crew roared once again and ran off ecstatically into the undergrowth. Chief Viking then yelled out to the stragglers boat number 3...'Boat Number three' he yelled......and before he could get any further the exhausted crew yelled back 'Oh no, not rape again.'............
     
    #228 theod70, May 18, 2012
  9. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!
     
    #229 Major, May 18, 2012
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  10. Doctor's Surgery and a Snotty Receptionist
    An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

    In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

    All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
    'NO, I'VE COME TO ENQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

    The room erupted in applause!


    DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS......!!!​
     
    #230 Rudolph Hart, May 19, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  11. I changed my iPod's name to 'Titanic'.


    It's syncing now......
     
    #231 Rudolph Hart, May 19, 2012
  12. Black guy has been shot in the head, a witness said the assailant used a starting pistol.

    Police have confirmed its race related.
     
    #232 Ghost, May 19, 2012
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  13. :biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:

    AL.
     
    #233 Ghost Rider, May 19, 2012
  14. Local Police are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours.
    They believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
     
    #234 Rudolph Hart, May 20, 2012
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  15. Q. What does a burnt pizza & a pregnant mistress have in common?


    A. In each scenario there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time.
     
    #235 Rudolph Hart, May 21, 2012
  16. I just broke up with my missus, I'm afraid I took it quite badly and burnt everything that reminded me of her...letters, photos, her twin sister!
     
    #236 Geo7863, May 21, 2012
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  17. I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I went downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

    I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.



    Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.
     
    #237 Rudolph Hart, May 22, 2012
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  18. News just in….There’s a female referee for the United v City match.

    The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.
     
    #238 Rudolph Hart, May 22, 2012
  19. Kenny Dalglish starts his new job with Sky tomorrow.

    Apparently by Monday he'll be allowed to fit dishes on his own.
     
    #239 Royum, May 23, 2012
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  20. Breaking News...............

    After being snubbed by Ronald deBoer Liverpool have approached his brother Rupert!
     
    #240 Royum, May 23, 2012
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