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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. (Good old Viz!)

    Advice for office managers:

    Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer.

    That way, when she goes to get one you"ll get a great view of her arse.
     
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  2. The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.
     
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  3. A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.


    • The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
    • The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.
    • The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
    • The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
    • The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
    • The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
    • The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
    • The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
    • The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
    • The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation.
    • The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, "Now spit out all that you swallowed."
     
  4. Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza.

    The salesgirl asked him, "Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?"
     
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  5. Random.
    As.
    Fk. :biggrin:
     
    #805 470four, Dec 16, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2014


  6. :biggrin:
     
    #806 470four, Dec 16, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2014
    • Like Like x 1
  7. [h=1]Mrs. Broadchest said to her husband,....."I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises. White ones, black ones, circumcised and uncircumcised, big and small. And on the top of the tree was the *perfect* penis."
    Mr. Broadchest said, "I bet that one was mine?"

    She said "Sorry, honey, it wasn't."
    He said, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same dream. A Christmas tree decorated with pussies...shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented...and the one on the top was the *perfect* pussy."

    She said, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?"

    He said, "Nope. Yours was holding up the tree!"

    [/h]
     
  8. Some more from the Uxbridge EnglishDictionary

    Pyromaniac: obsessedwith glass dishes
    Stylist: pig farmer’s inventory
    Bungee: next one after buneff
    Ethics: county near Suthics
    Hindsight: builder’s cleavage
    Acropolis: polite Greek haircut
    Splinter: Chinese 100 metre runner
    Lancelot: doctor working on a plague of boils
    Farage: garage that won’t fix French or German cars
    Longitude: you need to cut it up more
    Trifle: Yorkshire gun
    Twig: Yorkshire hairpiece
    Tamper: container for a Yorkshire picnic
     
    • Like Like x 2
  9. I phoned my boss this morning.


    "I won't be in today. I'm shitting through the eye of a needle."


    "OK," he laughed, "Sounds like you've got that norovirus."


    "No," I replied, "I'm just bored and curious."
     
    • Like Like x 1
  10. Well it was a predictable climax to the sports personality of the year.


    As I knocked one out to Jessica Ennis :smile:
     
  11. Guys phones up work - 'Im not coming to work today as I'm sick'
    'Well how sick are you?'
    'Well im currently in bed with my mum and my sister'
     
    • Like Like x 1
  12. If you had to choose between your wife and winning the lottery - which bike would you buy ?
     
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  13. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
    funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
    man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
    pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar
    with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
    I didn't stop for directions.

    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
    gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
    diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

    I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
    side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
    place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
    I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
    I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
    I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
    and started for my car.
    Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
    "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in
    septic tanks for twenty years."

    Apparently, I'm still lost... It's a man thing. ???
     
    • Like Like x 2
  14. The cat in the hat, he aint gonna make it.jpg

    The cat in the hat, he ain't gonna make it!

    The cat in the hat, he aint gonna make it.jpg
     
  15. Not clever.JPG

    Not clever.JPG
     
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  16. The girls that say "all guys want is sex." are usually the ones who can't make a decent sandwich.
     
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  17. You know how I know the world doesn't end tomorrow? ...Because Busted have been to the year 3000.
     
  18. Funny cept it was his Right hand that was stunted.
     
  19. A man goes to see the doctor complaining his dick's gone orange.

    The doctor asks to see it to see what the trouble is. The man duly gets it out and sure enough, it's bright orange.

    The doctor's amazed by this and says he's never seen anything like it. He asks when he last had sex.
    "Never," says the man, "I'm a virgin and live on my own".
    "Does anyone else in your family have this affliction?" asks the doc.
    "Not that I'm aware of" replies the man.
    "Do you work with strong chemicals?" queries the doctor.
    "No, I'm unemployed".
    "Really," says the doctor, "what do you do all day, then?"
    "Oh, I sit at home all day just watching porn films and eating Cheesy Wotsits."
     
    • Like Like x 1
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