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A chap stopped me in the street and asked if there was a B&Q in Nottingham. I said, "Dunno, I was never much good at spelling."
Our local MP is a lot like the snow: Covers everything up & lies everywhere.
Tesco's fish counter might have been closer....and cheaper!
In our local pub quiz, Paddy was asked to name the worst 2 winters since 1945. He answered, "Mike and Bernie."
My mate has a big, heavy Gold Wing & he always asks his wife to stand next to the bike if he has to push it around his garage or on the drive. He...
Paddy was driving his girlfriend home one night when she asked him to kiss her 'somewhere warm and wet'. "Feck that." Said Paddy. "It's too...
Politicians are like Burton Albion: They rarely have a point, and when they do it's more through luck than judgement.
Our neighbour banged on the door & shouted, "Can I use your phone? There's been an accident down the road & the local MP has been run over." I...
Snow White claims life has become very hard for the seven Dwarves. They are struggling to put food on the table.
The vagina is the best engine in the world: It can be started with one finger. It's self-lubricating. It accepts any size of piston. It even...
My mate went to see his doctor because he heard strange voices coming from inside his underpants. The doctor said, "Ignore them, they're just...
My mate works for the Samaritans. He has the flu & tried to phone in sick this morning. They talked him out of it.
Booked a table for me & the wife on Valentine's Day. Backfired on me though: She didn't know how to play snooker.
My mate's wife asked him for £10,000 so she could have a gastric band fitted. He gave her a fiver and told her to buy a padlock for the fridge.
A horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter. Donkey asks, "What did you do for a...
Man: "Doctor, I can't stop stealing things." Doctor: "Take these tablets for two weeks." Man: "What if they don't work?" Doctor: "Then get me...
A man went fishing and hadn't caught a thing in four hours, when all of a sudden the local vicar turned up and cast his rod into the stream and...
Failed the oral question section of my biology exam today when I was asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently 'pikeys' was not the...
My mate said he was thrown out of a strip club last night for using Monopoly money. He said he didn't see why he should pay real money to see...
My mate asked me if I thought marriage was a lottery. I replied, "Nah! With a lottery you do have a slight chance."
