Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

  1. I'll start the ball rolling.......


    A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

    As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

    She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

    He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
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  2. I was caught masturbating the other day...wasnt half embarressing...but then again I guess the other customers in the Tesco queue looked quite embarressed too!
  3. My wife came into my shed yesterday... "you're wasting your time and money on all these inventions !" she said... It was at this point that the 'slap-a-fat-twat-automatic 3000' proved her wrong...
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  4. I was in Bed the other night just nodding off when I felt a hand cupping my private parts... I must admit it felt good but I was rather tired so I said " that feels rather horny, but not tonight eh, I'm dog tired!"......................................... thats when my cell mate said "It doesnt work like that in here!"
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  5. I went dogging with the wife last night, never again. By the time she'd finished parking the car everyone had f***ed off !
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  6. I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my speedos was upsetting some of the other swimmers. I pointed out another guy in similar trunks and asked why he wasn't being asked to leave. They replied "because he hasn't s**t himself !"
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  7. Just ordered an invisible baseball bat off of e-bay. I can't wait for it to arrive, the Mrs won't know what's hit her.
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  8. I was caught pishing in the swimming pool today...the lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in!
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  9. Leeds 3 - Nottingham Forest 7 :eek:
  10. A vicar booking a room in a hotel asks if the porn channel is disabled. Receptionist says no it's just regular porn you sick bas**rd !
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  11. I'd only just landed in jail and I was buggered repeatedly for 4 hours.............. Dad takes Monopoly way too seriously!
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  12. I was making love to my mistress last night when we heard the sound of a car pulling into the drive. "My husbands home early" she cried "quick try the back door" in retrospect I should have grabbed my clothes and ran but you don't get that kind of invitation very often :upyeah:
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  13. This one will be deleted .... I was reading in bed the other night when the missus said "if you turn the light off I will take it up the ...." in retrospect maybe I should have let the lightbulb cool down first!
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  14. My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday.

    She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
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  15. I made three New Years resolutions this year

    1) No more Oral sex
    2) no More anal sex
    3) get out of Prison
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  16. A man wakes up at the Gold Coast Hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the Pacific Highway.

    You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

    The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

    They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

    The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

    But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

    If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

    The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

    The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

    "Yes I have," says the man.

    "And has she helped you make a decision?"

    "Yes" says the man.

    "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

    "We're getting granite benchtops."
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  17. Q. What’s soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?

    A. Vomit....
  18. Q. What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

    A. Full.
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  19. Bloke goes into a bookshop and asks for a book about dealing with a small penis.
    Bookseller says "its not in yet" to which the bloke says "yes, that`s the one."

    The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice but I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch!

    Phone rings.............woman answers.............
    pervert breathes heavily "have you got a tight unshaven c*nt?"
    Woman replies "yes, yes I have................he`s layed on the settee watching tv, who shall I say is calling?"
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  20. The mrs has just come into the room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels, handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down and relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'.

    I can't f**kin' wait.
    I love shephard's pie !
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