Dear ... It is with much regret that I have today announced my decision to resign from whatever position I have held in the Government/England football squad/Labour front bench/UKIP/ Top Gear/EU Commission/Green Party. The body I am resigning from is, despite my best efforts and through no fault of my own, collapsing in a total shambles. Still, I am confident you will want me to take full credit for all the good things I have done during my time in office, including for all my successful achievements (space does not permit me to list them here). Now the time has come for me to make way with dignity for a fresh appointee who can undertake this thankless job in impossible circumstances. I have been asked to take on a well-paid position writing a national newspaper column, where my great experience will help me to criticise (constructively) every move that appointee makes. Yours etc.
