Never mind the Haiku, what about Limericks?

A bloke with a broken Ducati
Fancied a new Maserati
But he'd just lost his job
And was a bit of a knob
And all he could buy was spaghetti

 

There was a young woman named Alice

Who tried a dynamite stick for a phallus

They found her vagina

In North Carolina

And her anus was last seen in Dallas

 

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
And he said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt, I would fuck it."

 

These limericks seem to have a very narrowly defined subject matter.

Are you making this stuff up or remembering them?

 

What kind of Limerick is that?...

 

There was a young maid from Devizes,
whose boobs were different sizes.
One was so small, you coulden't see it at all.
The other was big and won prizes.

 

One for classical music lovers:

A young lady from North Carolina
Stretched fiddle strings 'cross her vagina
With well-bowed cocks
Sex became Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D minor.

 

As Titian was mixing rose-madder
His model posed nude up a ladder
The position, thought Titian
Suggested coition
So he leapt up the ladder and had her.

 

There was a young man named Sweeney
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
He thought this uncouth,
So he added vermouth,
And slipped his girl a martini.

 

Have you guys all got books of this stuff, or should you all be on the telly?

 

A gentleman, bound for Australia
painted his arse like a dahlia
the shape was just fine
the colour, divine
but the scent was a terrible failure


or


There was a young fellow from Broughton
who had one long ball and one short 'un
to make up for his loss
he'd a cock like a hoss
and a fart like a six-fifty Norton

 

There once was a Ducati forum
With a growing and vocal quorum
Of angry old men
Venting bile now and then
And they think all the others adore 'em
:biggrin:

 

There was a young man from Kent,
Who's dick was exceedlingly bent,
To save him the trouble,
He stuffed it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.

Was that too old....?

AL

 

Yes. :smile:

There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for a swim in the pond
A man in a punt
Stuck his pole in the water
And said you can't swim here it's private.

 

Poor old Terry Tibbs
In ward 7 with three broken ribs
Went down on lap 1
With his L plates still on
We'll be hearing no more of his fibs

 

Cold, man. Cold. LOL.

 

The Good Ship Venus

Twas on the good ship Venus,
By God you should have seen us,
The figurehead was a whore in bed
And the mast the Captain's penis.

The captain of this lugger,
He was a dirty bugger,
He wasn't fit to shovel shit
From one place to another.

The captain's wife was Mabel.
Whenever she was able,
She'd fornicate the second mate
Upon the galley table.

The ship's cook's name was Freeman,
My God was he a demon,
He fed the crew on menstrual stew
And hymens fried in semen.

The captain had a daughter,
Who fell into the water,
We heard her squeal and knew an eel
Had found her sexual quarter.

The first mate's name was Carter,
By God he was a farter,
He could play ‘God Save the Queen’ from beginning to end
And Beethoven’s moonlight sonata.

The second mate's name was Andy,
His balls were long and bandy,
We filled his arse with molten brass
For wanking in the brandy.

The cabin boy was Kipper,
A dirty little nipper,
We stuffed his arse with broken glass
To circumcise the skipper.

The captain's name was Morgan,
By Christ he was a gorgon!
Ten times a day sweet tunes he's play.
On his productive organ.

The captain's daughter Mable,
They laid her on a table!
And all the crew would come and screw
As oft as they were able.

"Twas on a Chinese station,
We caused a great sensation.
We sunk a junk in a sea of spunk
By mutual masturbation.

The third mate's name was Paul,
He only had one ball.
But with cracker he rolled terbaccer
Around the cabin wall.

The captain's daughter Mary,
Had never lost her cherry.
The men grew bold and offered gold
And now there's no more Virgin Mary.

Another cook was O'Malley,
He didn't dilly dally.
He shot his bolt with such a jolt
He whitewashed half the galley.

The boatswain's name was Lester,
He was a hymen tester.
Thru hymens thick he stuck his prick
And left it there to fester.

Another one was Cropper,
By Christ he had a whopper.
Twice round the deck, around his neck
And up his arse for a stopper.

The ship's dog's name was Rover,
The whole crew had him over,
We ground that faithful hound
From Singapore to Dover.

The engineer was McTavish
And young girls he did ravish,
His missing dick's at Istanbul
He was a trifle lavish.

A homo was the Purser,
He couldn't have been worser,
With all the crew he had a screw,
Until they yelled: "Oh no sir."

So now we end this serial,
Through sheer lack of material.
I wish you luck and freedom
from Diseases venereal.


CHORUS:
There's frigging on the rigging;
Wanking on the planking,
Tossing on the crossing,
There was fuck all else to do.

 

That Funky's a tormented guy
Though it's easy to understand why
Nowt to show for his labours
Barking dogs at the neighbours
And for ages, no pussy pie

 

Young Funky is certainly back
And he doesn’t mind taking some flak
He had a big op
But he’s come out on top
With his dick still some way from his crack