The title's a bit of a misnomer, this is a serious point. Let's assume the eponymous Billy - he of the ten foot willy - was a heterosexual kid, on account of showing it to the girl next door. I mean, he might have got it out for her to show what he, a girl trapped in a boy's body, had to contend with, but it seems less likely than something like, he was trying to get a game of mummies in the reptile house going. I can imagine that the length after she hit it with a rake varies with the telling, but let's say, for the sake of argument, it was five foot four. This is to be decried? If overall length is what matters, surely five foot four is as good as ten? Isn't the real problem that Billy doesn't have the end anymore? Or was there another verse, that I never heard, about how it was reattached, only something like four foot of it was unable to be saved, but the German helmet was? Was it like a Great War German helmet, with a spike, which is why she thought it was a snake - that had lost one fang? Because otherwise I'd think it'd look more like, say, a slowworm, or a skink, perhaps, if rather a long one. Also, was it ten foot erect and otherwise normal size flaccid? Because otherwise surely he'd have looked like he had a basketball down his trousers and either the girl next door would have realised he didn't have a snake down there, or been so unobservant, would she have even noticed if he had produced a snake? I'd ask the writer(s), but haven't been able to find out who came up with it. They're probably dead anyway. And given how many songs we learnt as kids turn out to originally be American, maybe it was a product of the Brill Building, later Anglicised? Maybe it was written by Carole King. 'It Might As Well Rain Until September' sounded like it was sung by a child, and it was around about then I first heard the one about Billy. But maybe British soldiers sang it when they weren't singing 'Parlez Vous'? Indeed it could be a First World War song and 'Billy' was Kaiser Wilhelm. It could even be an allegory for the length of his navy after he showed it to his neighbour, Britannia, across the North Sea - hence the helmet with a spike. I can imagine Bing Crosby releasing it. More a crooner than a swing version.
Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full. By 'bags', of course, I mean knapsacks. A bag, like for instance a shopping bag, I'd have to carry with my mouth, which technically would be possible, but, no, a knapsack I can just about manage. One of those fancy little bags like they sell perfume in, or, say, a posh bar of soap, like I hear you humans like, maybe, but it'd be a bit pointless really, I'm sure you'd agree. Incidentally, Baa, baa, like you said there, that means chocolate teapot, neither of which we sheep have a use for, know what I mean? Chocolate or teapots. They'd be as much use to us as, indeed, a chocolate teapot. Which is why we don't actually say Baa, baa, whether with the inflection you used there, or, at all, really. You might have noticed? Anyway, I'll get the first knapsackful. If you want all three it'll take a while, 'cos I can't carry more than one at a time. Obviously. Anyway, they're back at the lockup. You might as well sit down. Brew up, if you like. There's probably loads of chocolate teapots round here. Ha ha! Have a hot chocolate and kill two birds with one stone, though a 12-bore would also work. So, why d'you want one for the little boy who lives down the lane, anyway? What'd he want with a knapsackful of wool? We do know how to call the rozzers, you know! You get some right fucking deviants round here! I take it you've got cash? For the wool, I mean? I don't take cheques.
Raquel Welch Laurence Harvey Michael Caine Christian Bale John Malkovich John Cusack Tim Robbins Kevin Bacon Looking for a shortcut.
Think you’ve overlooked the power of the Aznavour. Charles as you might know was a great collector of both teapots, the chocolate variety, and wool sacks. As legend has it before going on stage to croon to his baying crowd he would insist on have two wool bales delivered to his dressing room, one black one white, where upon he would undress cover himself in molten chocolate and roll around on the bales. This he insisted not only helped with his singing voice but also with his suave sophisticated and debonair demeanour
Sounds like he found the secret of immortality elixir of youth. Charles Aznavour for a while worked as a barman at The Stag and Hounds in the late-70s. The landlord was Mr Gumby and one of the regulars was Bluto from Animal House. We stopped drinking in there after we were passing a joint back and forth and Aznavour came over and in a loud, accusatory voice said "Is that drugs?" Gumby was okay. One evening me and my mate, well baked, were drinking - probably cokes - at the bar, and I knocked mine over. I asked Gumby for another and he asked "To drink or to throw?" The next time we dropped in to The Jolly Farmer, Aznavour was the landlord. So never went in there again either. With the benefit of hindsight I suspect he was an imposter. The Stag became a Berni. Bluto disappeared about the time John Belushi died, so he was probably genuine.
Old Charlie as he was known was a cad and an excellent business entrepreneur, albeit largely hit and miss with his chain of pubic houses. His lock-ins were the stuff of legend where he’d sit at the piano, fag in gob banging out all the old classics to an ever excited crowd I believe it was during such an evening where he met Nanette Newman and went on to write many famous duets about the struggles of the working classes in post industrialised cities, of all things. Sadly it was on one of those evenings where he met his maker, his poor little heart gave out killing him instantly where he sat. His massive nose coming to rest on the middle C of the keyboard. A fitting end really.
