Throwaway No.6 (and A Box Of Matches)

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Wasted Time Lord, Aug 7, 2025 at 6:17 AM.

  1. Oceangate founder and Chief Executive Fuckwit Stockton Rush spoke to us today by Mid-Atlantic Ouija Board and defended his approach to safety and how it should never be allowed to compromise innovation. He dismissed the widely-reported catastrophic implosion of his company’s Titan submersible, with its FSF - Full Self Falling - capability, as ‘Fake News’ disseminated by rogue elements within the USCG who had always been threatened by his nobly, prematurely-grey hair and his manly, rectangular head

    The thinly-veiled pederast explained that what the lily-livered safety pedlars of the regulatory organisations and other half-bright critics mistook for an unplanned disassembly was actually a controlled implosion that resulted in the creation of a black hole, through which he passed, re-emerging on the opposite side of the Milky Way; and that he intends to eat the Milky Way when he gets hungry, but that we needn't worry, as the news won’t reach Earth for 20 million years.

    In the meantime he has stored his Milky Way in the Titan’s state-of-the-art galley module Tupperware box, along with an apple and a ham sandwich. I asked him if the sandwich was perhaps not a little stale by now, but he assured me it was as fresh as the day it was made, thanks to a closely guarded Oceangate bread recipe using wholemeal flour, cracked seed and carbon fibre, that improved on moribund sliced bread technology by means of auto-delamination.

    When I proposed a certain amount of scepticism on the part of industry with regards to carbon fibre he said I should fill my boots. I presumed he meant with custard; possibly raspberry, of which a useful amount was apparently deposited in the vicinity of Titanic two years ago.

    Apparently Rush, as old as he’ll ever get, found the Ouija Board in the wreck of the Titanic. However, the interview was terminated suddenly, shortly after his last message, in which he said that he was being stalked by a giant squid. This was followed by an indecipherable transmission thought to be the sound of the squid stealing the Titanic-logoed, souvenir bone china tea-cup Rush was using to select letters – though not numbers: apparently he’d done a number in college and hadn’t enjoyed it.

    Meanwhile, in the United States, the Cognitive Dissonance strand of the Republican Party – that is, the Republican Party – is expected to endorse Rush as their next Presidential Candidate, as the logical successor to President Trump should he be drowneded in his own verbal diarrhoea in the unlikely event that Science should prove correcter than the peculiar strain of mental masturbation he appears to favour.

    Three hundred million hats bearing the legend ‘MASRA’ – ‘MAke Stockton Rush Again’ – have already been ordered from Shenzhen, China – one hat for every gun in America, each of whom were recently confirmed by the Supremes, prior to their reunion tour, as citizens under Law, in light of the current administration’s reinterpretation of the 2nd amendment.

    In another story, Kansas Republicans are bringing a lawsuit against the estate of L. Frank Baum, author of the ‘Oz’ series, seeking 70 squillion dollars in reparations for emotional distress and reputational damage caused by the original line “I don’t think we’re in Toto any more, Kansas”, inspired by the State’s threat to leave the Union should bestiality be made a felony.

    The line was changed after Baum realised that Toto would in fact have been in Dorothy, therefore it would have been his line: specifically “I don’t think we’re in Dorothy any more, Kansas”, though Toto’s was a non-speaking part.

    Elon ‘Pedo Guy’ Musk is said to be interested, having recently been apprised, whilst uncharacteristically receptive to honesty, under the influence of ketamine, of the ancient saying that ‘it takes one to know one’.

    That is all from WTLZ News.

    Arse'oles and goodnight.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
Do Not Sell My Personal Information