DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
WOMEN: Don't waste energy on faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could've used the saved energy to hoover the house.
Instead of using lard to cook chips, use fanny batter. The resulting excess of lard can then be used as a more effective sun cream, thus saving the NHS a lot of money in treatment of skin cancer.
Blu tac is expensive. A cheaper and more environmentally friendly alternative is phlegm, especially if refrigerated overnight.
BANGKOK holiday makers. Avoid confusion and potential embarrassment by never banging a woman with a hairier arse than yourself.
CONTACT lens wearers. Keep your eyes snug and warm this winter by adding a few drops of chilli sauce to your cleaning solution.
OLD LADIES. A dab of silver model aircraft paint transforms repulsive facial warts into fashionable piercings.
WHEN VISITING a Moto service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, saving time and embarrassment.
