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Sperm banks are running out of stock... Because all the wankers are queuing for petrol.
People say my mate has no will power. But he's quit drinking loads of times.
My mate said his wife has everything a man could want: Big muscles and a bushy beard..
Paddy tripped over at home & cut his head open, so he called his health insurance company. They said they thought he was a moron & they consider...
Six months ago my mate ordered a book called 'How to make a fortune through online scamming'. He says he's still waiting for it to arrive...
My mate caught his lad trying to stick a screwdriver into a plug socket. So he grounded him.
Last night I took the new blonde from work to a club where you have to show evidence of a negative test to get in. She turned up with a copy of...
My mate fell into a vat of pureed fruit and whipped cream. He made a right fool of himself..
Q. What do you get if you cross a Labrador with an abacus? A. A loyal friend you can count on.
Apparently, the latest craze amongst teenagers is to throw baked beans against people's houses. I hope they don't start throwing Alphabetti...
My mate asked, "Have you ever done anything really stupid when you were drunk?" I replied, "Yeah, that blonde barmaid from the Horse & Jockey."
An optimist thinks the glass is half full. A pessimist thinks the glass is half empty. An opportunist drinks both glasses whilst the other 2 are...
My mate likes his women like Arsenal's back four: Slow, defenceless and easy to penetrate round the back..
Q. What do you call a Spanish man with 11 pricks? A. Mikel Arteta.
Whenever I tell my wife that I've bought a new motorbike, I always take both of her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me...
The man who invented the ferris wheel never met the man who invented the carousel: They moved in different circles...
My mate is setting up his own band, and he asked if I knew where he could pick up a cheap bass. I said, "Try Kabul. The Americans have abandoned...
The bird I pulled down the pub last night looked like one of The Corrs. Shame it was Jim...
I can't stop speaking with an Italian accent when I order takeaway from the local pizzeria. I have a disorder..
Newsflash: The Afghan army surrendered so quickly, they have all been offered honorary French citizenship.
