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My wife is a good looker. No matter where I hide my money, she always finds it.
Q. Why do hillbillies from the Ozarks use an imperial measurement system? A. Because they can count to 12 on their hands.
The wide couldn't understand why I wanted to visit the Vagina Museum after 35 years of marriage: "Haven't you seen mine often enough?" She...
Thomas Cook have announced that over 21,000 people will lose their jobs. No Scousers are affected by this...
My mate said his grandad committed suicide by eating all 88 keys on a piano. He didn't leave a note..
Q. Where do blue eggs come from? A. Sad chickens.
The new blonde nurse at our local hospital turned up with a box of red crayons. Apparently she has them in case she's asked to draw blood...
My mate said his new girlfriend told him she was an agoraphobe. He asked, "What's that when it's at home?"
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Our house has no five second rule about food that is dropped on the floor. That’s because we have two one second dogs.
I think my wife is selling sex toys. I just heard her on the phone saying, "I can't get rid of the fucking dick."
My mate is starting to think his fat wife eats too much: Ever since they went to McDonald’s together & the staff started doing limbering up...
Sean Connery has announced that after 16 years of retirement he has found his niche. She was in the garden playing with his nephew.
Just mentioned to my mate that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” He said. “No.” I said, “That’s...
A couple of dogs were sat in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog: “I heard a good joke today.” Second dog: “Go on then..” First dog: “Knock...
A hydro-geologist has predicted that Jordan will dry up completely by 2050. To be fair she'll be 91 by then.
My mate says Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it's bordering on Chile.
My mate says he's thinking of dumping his Chinese girlfriend because of her obesity: She's Wei Tu Fat.
Been making a list of the women I should have shagged when I had the chance: 1. All of them.
Rumour has it Stanley Johnson has resigned as Boris Johnson's dad, and has defected to the Milibands..
