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Anyone got an owner's manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise...
My mate asked me if his new goatee made him look like a c*nt. "Only when you pucker your lips." I replied.
Our local private hospital has performed more cosmetic surgery than any other in the U.K. But if you mention Botox nobody raises an eyebrow.
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm...
Last year I found a genie in a bottle: "Would you like a bigger penis or a better memory?" Asked the genie. I don't remember what happened next...
A Swedish woman, two Swedish men and another Swedish woman walked into ABBA.
A man was rushed to A&E with a Morphy Richards steam iron up his backside. "Good grief." Said the doctor. "I thought I'd seen it all, how on...
I tried walking up a hill without a watch, but had neither the time nor the inclination.
Paddy ran into the pub shouting, “Mick, some scrote’s just stolen your car!” Mick replied, “Bejesus Paddy, did you see who did it? Paddy said,...
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The digital radio I ordered was delivered today, covered in lipstick and mascara. Must be a tranny.
BBC to stop free TV licences for the over 75's. Sad to put Grandma in a home, but she's no longer any use to me.
Woke up this morning after a heavy session in the pub with the lads & saw a brown thing running round my garden. Apparently it’s the fence...
My mate just received a text on his phone with a photo of his wife modelling her sexy new underwear. "She reminds me of my little toe." He said....
A man and his girlfriend are having sex every night & the same old routine is starting to get boring. So as she’s a big girl, she suggests he...
A man gets home from the pub and his wife is watching an old black and white film. "Just look at that." She said, "In the bedroom, not a hint of...
My mate has opened a new restaurant called 'Karma'. There's no menu, you get what you deserve.
Q. What do you call a bullet-proof Irishman? A. Rick O'Shea.
My mate invented the cold air balloon. But it never really took off..
Just got a voucher offering 60% off cosmetics at John Lewis. The Mrs will be made up..
