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Last night the barman in our local looked over & said, "Your glass is empty, would you like another?" So I replied, "Why would I want two empty...
A city in Yorkshire has gone missing. Police are searching for Leeds...
I just went round to my elderly neighbour's to chew the fat. I'll have to go again at tea time tomorrow if he doesn't find his false teeth.
Hub inspection is now part of the Desmo service for single-sided swinging arm models at 15,000 or 18,000 miles, dependent on the year/model of the...
Q: How does a doctor treat a couple of vegans who have overdosed on vegetables? A: First take their pulses...
Trump coming to UK to honour D Day: Only if it's not raining......
I went into WH Smith & asked an assistant, “Do you have any bulldog clips?” He replied, “No, but I have a nice video of a jack russell.”
My mate said his new girlfriend told him she has a 10 inch pussy. She reckons it might not be a world record, but it'll take some licking.
My mate said his mother in law had a rough time at the beach this morning: A bunch of conservationists tried to tow her back out to sea..
Went for a job interview & the HR lady said, "The job will pay £30,000 to start with, but will go up to £40,000 later." So I said, "Ok, I'll come...
Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a giant out of town supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears. "What's the...
Two scousers are in a posh restaurant and one says, "I'm gonna order the venison." His mate says, "Don't order dat, it's dead deer. You should...
The only time I have the opportunity to read my book about The Velvet Underground is when I'm in the bathroom sat on the bog: I call it my Loo Read.
One of my colleagues recently married his same sex partner. On return from their honeymoon he announced: For those who are unsure about gay...
In a book shop yesterday, I asked the female assistant where the anal sex section was. She said, "Around the back, love."
Found a man in uniform beneath my duvet last night. He said he was an undercover policeman..
I'm looking forward to Phil & Kirstie's Houseboat special on tv tonight: Flotation, Flotation, Flotation..
My mate reckons he once made love to a Princess. Although he did burn his bollocks on the exhaust pipe...
My mate says doing the dishes is a lot like having sex: His wife would rather use something mechanical that does the job better, but most of the...
My mate is headed to Rio de Janeiro for Easter to see if he can find Jesus. He's heard he's really big over there...