Separate names with a comma.
Q. What’s the difference between an election and a police line up? A. With an election you pick the person before they rob and screw you.
Q. What’s the difference between a mother in law and a bulldog? A. Bulldogs don’t wear lipstick.
My mate is a stand up comedian. He’s written a joke about a fat badger, but he can’t fit it into his set.
Primark are now having a sale of smoking jackets and blazers..
So much for Taylor Swift: She sent back my trousers un-mended.
Never date girls who play tennis: Love means nothing to them..
The wife yelled at me to stop the dogs from barking in the front garden. So I put them in the back garden...
My mate went over to Ireland to attend the Pope's visit in the hope that the Holy Father could help him with his hearing. The Pope placed his...
My mate told me his wife insists they have a kiss & a cuddle every night before they go to sleep. He also said that's how he became an insomniac.
After a number of Kaleidoscopes have been stolen from local toy shops... Police believe a pattern is forming!!
I’ve got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends. It’s not easy though. They keep moving the goalposts.
I was always in trouble at school: I’m colourblind, and when the dinner ladies told me to eat my greens I didn’t know where to start.
My mate took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. He’s worried that if he defaults on the loan he could be repossessed.
My mate found working at the job centre to be too stressful. He couldn’t accept that if they fired him, he’d have to turn up again the next day.
A man has been arrested after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it. A police spokesman said he has been bailed.
Q. How do you know when your blood sugar levels are dangerously high? A. Every time you fart you get candy floss in your underpants.
My mate’s wife asked me if I liked the new dildo rail in their lounge. I replied, “You mean dado rail don’t you?” She said, “No, I put it up...
The new guy at work said his name is Peter Bloody Bastard Arse Benson. Apparently he doesn’t have Tourette’s, but the vicar who christened him did..
Whilst Fred Astaire danced down the stairs.... His brother Stan carried an old woman slowly up them..
My mate said he once had a girlfriend who used her vibrator whilst travelling on the London Underground. Apparently she got off at every station.
