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I have an Optimate lead on my Diavel & I also use Gerbing heated gloves & jacket. I have a lead that connects to the Optimate lead at one end and...
Went to the barber's today & asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise. So he gave me a cushion to sit on.
Went into the library and asked the new blonde librarian if they had any books on The Titanic. She replied, "I'm sure they did, but they will be...
Saw a billboard today, advertising the life goal of my mate who moved to Vancouver: 'Drink Canada Dry'.
As a child I was forced to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.
I've got a dig bick. You that read wrong. You read that wrong too.
Just been on an attitude course at work. The motivational luvvie course 'facilitator' told me, "Love is more important than money." I replied,...
Been on a first aid course at work. The course instructor asked, "What would you do if your child swallowed the front door key?" The new blonde...
The vajazzle: Where sequins are used to decorate a c*nt. Same as on Strictly Come Dancing.
My mate told his new girlfriend that sex with him is like reading a book: He doesn't stop until he reaches the appendix.
Las Vegas has just been twinned with Scunthorpe. Apparently they are the only 2 places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.
Is it sexual misconduct if you wipe your willy on the curtains afterwards?
Perhaps the former Defence Minister could be moved to the Department of Fisheries if it is proven that he propositioned an old trout?
My mate had asked for a large tattoo of an Indian on his back. The tattooist had been working on it for over 2 hours when my mate said, "Make...
Halloween pumpkins: Large Orange scary things, with a few teeth missing. Essex girls: See above.
Finally found something my wife's bum doesn't look quite so big in: The distance.
Ok, I tried both one tooth down on front sprocket, and then two teeth up on rear sprocket (GT1000). Overall effect was very similar in giving...
My mate set me up on a blind date. He told me the woman was expecting a baby. I felt a right twat, sitting in the pub wearing only a nappy.
Just had an e-mail from: 'A bored young housewife, looking for some action.' So I sent her my ironing, that should keep her busy.
I bought a bag of rocket salad last week. It went off before I could eat it.