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My mate said that sex with his wife had gone downhill so he bought her a dildo. His wife told him, "It looks like a carrot." My mate said this...
I can tell a lot about my wife's mood from her hands: If they're holding a baseball bat, she's unhappy with me.
I went to the best burger van ever yesterday. It had 4 Michelin tyres.
In the pub last night, my mate said: "The writing isn't on the wall for Theresa May. It's just slowly slipping off."
Q. How does a one-armed man change a lightbulb? A. It helps if he keeps the receipt.
The wife asked which of her friends I would choose if I could have a threesome. Apparently I wasn't supposed to choose two of her friends.....
An insect just flew into our kitchen and exploded. Must have been a jihadi long legs.
I've been learning how to guess the weight of dogs. Picked up a few pointers yesterday.
Had 3 text messages in quick succession from my mate today: "I'm giving up alcohol for a month." "Shit. Bloody typo." "I'm giving up. Alcohol...
A man who couldn't see, hear, smell, feel or taste punched my mate whilst we were drinking in the pub last night. The rest of us agreed there was...
Michael J Fox has always been a keen gardener. His favourite flowering plant used to be the hydrangea, but now he's gone back to the fuchsia.
My mate lives in a rough area, and his says that trying to find a fit girl in the local pubs is like playing crazy golf: As much as he wants that...
My mate went to donate sperm the other day, and the nurse asked him to masturbate in the cup. He politely declined & left. Apparently he doesn't...
My mate went to dinner with a girl who works in the Stock Exchange. He said it went well, because they played FTSE under the table.
Just e-mailed my application to join a dominatrix club. Had an instant reply thanking me for my submission.
My mate said his new girlfriend's orgasm is like the weekend: It takes ages to get to it, and when it finally arrives he's too tired to enjoy it.
The Bank of England lied when they said the new £10 note would last longer than the old one. After 2 pints of beer and a packet of crisps it was...
Walking through the jungle, I spotted a monkey carrying a bunch of bananas and a can opener. "You don't need a can opener to peel bananas." I...
I've not used Scorpions on a Ducati, but both myself & a mate had them on Suzukis (mine was a GSX1400) and neither bike needed a remap. Sorry I...
News flash: Man killed with starter pistol. Police think it may be race related.