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I told the boss I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in years.
My mate can't believe he just got fired from the calendar factory. All he did was take a day off.
My mate said he wanted to drown his troubles. But he can't get his wife to go swimming.
Women are like roads: The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.
News flash: Suicidal Irish twin kills his brother by mistake.
My granddad is like a laptop: If you don't touch him for 10 minutes, he will go to sleep.
Q. What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A. One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
I’ve just written a song about tortillas. Actually, it’s more of a rap.
Found a magic lamp, asked for a girlfriend half my age........ It made me 100 years old.
Did her partner try using a fork handle or four candles? [ATTACH]
Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humour.
I've spent 5 years looking for the mother-in-law's killer. But no-one will do it.
The wife told me to go out & get something that makes her look sexy. So I went out & got drunk.
If it were not for poetry, Postman Pat might have had a black & white dog.
Had to fill out a form for HR at work. It asked: 'Who should be contacted in case of medical emergency?' Apparently the appropriate answer was...
The local golf club is having a whip-round to buy cigarette lighters for the 2016 European Ryder cup team. Apparently they kept losing their matches.
Might be worth looking into M Bars if they are still available? Has anyone here tried M-bars on a GT1000? - Ducati.ms - The Ultimate Ducati Forum...
Escalators don't break down, they just turn into stairs.
My mate's family tree must be a cactus. Everybody on it is a prick.
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light in the refrigerator?
