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Why do dogs race to the door when the doorbell rings? It's hardly ever for them.
Q. What do your mother in law and a slinky have in common? A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept, and the hours are lost.
What my wife thought from our first four dates: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow, a nice second shirt. 3. Ok. First shirt again. 4. He has two...
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Q. Why do women make better soldiers? A. Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. But it never really took off....
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said, “Implants?”
My boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Been taking my bike to Nelly for some years now. Wouldn't take it anywhere else. Top man!
Marriage is like waiting in line for a ride at an amusement park. You spend 99% of the time pissed off for 1% of intense pleasure.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out.
A young colleague asked for advice regarding girls. My answer was: "Never go down on one knee for any girl who won't go down on two for you."
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
The wife says I don't need to join a gym. She reckons I must get plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck and dodging deadlines.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
The lottery: A tax on idiots who don't understand maths.
My mate is worried his new girlfriend may be a prostitute. The label in her knickers says 'next'.
Never argue with a fool. They will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.
Stalking is when two people go on a long romantic walk together, but only one of them knows about it.