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The wife wants me to forecast how many cans of baked beans she needs to buy to last at least 4 months. I told her, that’s just Heinz sight....
Derby County have appealed after their FA Cup exit: They're claiming one of the plumbers in the Chorley midfield wasn't Corgi registered...
My mate spoke with a homeless woman in the town centre & offered to take her home. Should have heard the language she used when he walked off...
Been using a Gerbing heated inner jacket for years. I just plug in to the lead from the bike's battery. My Gerbing gloves then connect to the...
My scouse mate is claiming he is a key worker: He picks locks....
Q. How did the cheese shop owner paint his wife? A. Double Gloucester.
The police are after my mate for stealing a futon: He's currently lying low...
For sale: Bottles of sauce. HP available....
A man walks into a bar claiming he has a talking dog. He goes up to the counter and bets the free drinks all night if he can prove his dog can...
My boss told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down..
The blonde secretary in our office says she always gets depressed on New Year's Eve: She has never found the Auld Lang sign....
My mate is seriously wishing his mother in law hadn't picked 'Beaver Falls' in their Christmas Day charades....
I got pissed in the pub on Christmas Eve, and then went straight to the midnight mass. The wife hates it when I call her that...
Gave the wife an empty DVD case for Christmas: Told her it's the best of Michael McIntyre...
Q. What do you call Santa's little helpers? A. Subordinate Clauses.
My mate runs a business removing moles from gardens & parks. Business has been slow, but then I told him not to advertise himself as ‘The...
The man in the furniture shop said he could sell me a sofa that seats 5 people without any problems: Sod all use to me. Where would I find 5...
I know a man who had an accident & who ended up losing his power of speech and both his legs. But he never makes a song & dance about it..
Q. Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? A. He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have.
We have an old wooden bust of my granny: It’s a nan teak...
