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The kids cried when I chopped up onions for my sandwiches. Onions was always their favourite cat.
Q. Where do pirates buy their ear rings? A. Arrrgos.
Alex Salmond has been proved right: Scotland will continue to be able to use the pound after 18th September.
It's confirmed then: Idi Amin remains the last King of Scotland.
My wife and I indulge in role play every evening: She tells me about her day and I pretend to listen...
You know the wife is losing weight when she starts to find those long lost tattoos....
This referendum lark is a lot like Christmas: A massive build up, crap speeches on TV & pissed people making a scene.
A young lad went to buy some condoms from the chemist. The girl behind the counter said, "That will be £9.50 plus tax." The horrified lad...
Q. How many government ministers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Nobody knows. First they have to decide which way to spin it.
My mate is addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop at any time.
Q. What's the difference between a burglar and a gynaecologist? A. One snatches watches.....
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance....
Many a rabbit has been pulled from a wizard's hat. Katie Price's latest must be the first Bunny to be pulled from a wizard's sleeve.
'Katie Price in labour for over 8 hours with baby Bunny.' I'm not surprised, that's one hell of a warren to find your way out of.
I donated some sperm at the weekend. Unfortunately the girls holding the charity bucket didn't seem too impressed...
Fantastic news! Apple have introduced a watch that can make phone calls. Should be a great accessory to go with the iPhone that I use to tell...
My mate reckons those new mystery flavour Walkers Crisps taste just like his wife's pussy. He wondered if it was his imagination, but the rest...
The Welsh & the Americans have combined to produce sheep covered in chocolate. They are being marketed as Hershey Baaaas.
The wife's well chuffed, she's just finished a 14-day diet in 2 hours 5 minutes.
Q. What lesson can you learn if you feel your mouth filling with another man's cum? A. Don't go down again on a girl from Essex.
