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The wife & I had an Indian last night, we had curried Pelican. It was the best curry I've ever had, but the bill was enormous.
The kids threw up when I told them I'd put ginger in the curry. They loved that cat....
My wife's just texted me giving me the go ahead to go out after work, get pissed with my mates and finish off with a curry before finally heading...
Last week I updated my CV by adding 'poor people skills, lacking in empathy and with limited vocabulary.' Just been offered three jobs at call...
Doctor: "The results are in, I am afraid you have Hermes." Man: "Dont you mean Herpes?" Doctor: "No, you're the carrier."
My mate has installed strobe lights in his bedroom. He says it makes his wife look like she is moving during sex.
A girl calls her Mother, "Mum, I'm getting a divorce." "A divorce? Why?" the mother asks, shocked. "Mum, all he wants is anal sex, I used to...
"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked my wife. "No," I said. She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her...
Breaking News: France and Italy have taken the nuclear threat on board and have both surrendered to North Korea.
My wife woke with a massive smile on her face this morning. I love felt tip pens....
First my wife said she had lost her lipstick, then she couldn't find her mascara and now she's looking for her blusher. I wish she would mind her...
Bought the wife a bag and belt set for her birthday. She doesn't like them, but the hoover has never worked so well.
"Right children" said the teacher, "I want you to use the word 'area' in a sentence." Little Chloe said. "In maths, length times width equals...
I hate it when you're drying between your arse cheeks with a towel and you get a skid mark on ıt. It happened to me today. So I put the towel...
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton...
My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy health spa places, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin. It cost him £35, but it was a lot...
The wife told me I never do anything around the house. So I built her a moat. No pleasing her at all.....
"Unexpected item in bagging area." Words that are fine to hear in Tesco. But not what any man wants to hear from his doctor.
Some bloke injected my dog with napalm earlier. I think he was a Vietnam Vet.
Michael Fabricant. Can't even make a decent job of his syrup:
