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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office - I will track you down. You have my Word...
I always know when my mate has had a blow job. His dog's breath smells of peanut butter.
Cheer up Rebekah Brooks. Isn't prison a holiday home according to a certain newspaper you used to work for???
One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck! "Ice cream, Miss!" Little Mary...
A sequel to The Iron Lady in which Margaret Thatcher is haunted by the ghost of her husband is currently being filmed. The Phantom Denis will be...
My MP likes his women like he likes everything else. Paid for by the taxpayer.
The mother in law can't understand her weight gain, claiming to be a light eater. True, as soon as it gets light she starts eating.....
Q. Which is Britain's best known drug sniffing dog? A. Kerry Katona.
Something to remember if you are feeling down & powerless. A single pubic hair can shut down an entire restaurant.
Shocking revelation today about what you can get from licking a cunt...... The Deputy Prime Ministers job!
Man City have signed winger Jesus Navas. Apparently he can nail a cross.
I was searching for ages to find a Coca-Cola bottle with my wife's name on. I eventually gave up and got the next best thing - a Kit Kat Chunky.
I popped into the 'Wonga' shop next door to borrow a pen. I've got to give them seventy pens back by the end of the week
Customer: "Waitress, what's the difference between a teabag and a tampon?" Waitress; "Don't know." Customer: "Coffee please, love...."
I hate when you fart in the bath and there's no bubbles. That's just shit.
The hardest part about starting a new relationship is learning how to fart silently again.
I use one of these for turning the wheels when cleaning them or cleaning/lubing the chain: Hein Gericke Front and Rear Wheel Turning Device...
My mate said, "I find around here the women are like buses." I said, "What, none come for ages then they all come at once?" He said, "No,...
I never got why Margaret Thatcher was nicknamed 'The Iron Lady'. I mean, aren't all women supposed to iron?
Women are like iPhones: you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BlackBerry's: rub one ball and everything moves.
