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My mate was going out with a Siamese twin. But she dumped him because she found out he was screwing her sister behind her back.
Proof that woodpeckers are smarter than chickens: Whoever heard of Kentucky Fried Woodpecker?
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily...
About WomenA man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out of the blue, "Lord, please grant me one wish."...
I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts. "Really?" she...
My mate's wife told him she wanted something that went from 0-200 in 6 seconds for her birthday. He bought her a new set of bathroom scales. I...
I ate my pillow last night. I'm now feeling a little down in the mouth.
Have You Ever Wondered Why... Why the sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why...
Today's paper has a photo of Samantha Cameron's ugly fat arse. Or Dave as he prefers to be known.
Golf Caddies Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch, Caddy. It's distracting!" Caddy: "Oh, this isn't a watch Sir, it's a compass!" Golfer:...
My wife picked up a can & said, "Is this insecticide good for beetles?" I replied, "No, it'll kill them."
Two Scotsmen, Archie and Jock, were sitting in the pub discussing Jock's big wedding day. "Aye, it's going to be grand," said Jock. "I've got...
10 Reasons why Golf is better than Sex A below par performance is considered damn good. You can stop in the middle and have a burger and a...
I met Jimmy Saville once. He was a terrible ventriloquist. He stuck his finger up my arse & told me not to say anything.
More breaking news: A 2-seater aircraft has crashed into a cemetery in Ireland. Rescuers have so far recovered 2,000 bodies and expect to find...
I've been eating those Tesco horse burgers and have found myself craving sugar cubes, eating oats and my breath stinks. On the plus side, my...
The Greek government is in such trouble they’ve halted production of hummus and taramasalata. Yes, it’s a double dip recession.
A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath. I tried to help, but I...
This Tory government is much like a rainbow. It looks good from a distance, but on close inspection it has no real substance, you can see right...
Q. What's the difference between a plastic surgeon and Michael Gove? A. One tucks features..................
