I was once giving a lady a good seeing-to over her kitchen table, when we heard the front door being opened. "That's my husband" she whispered "try the back door". I knew I should have left before the husband caught me, but how could I refuse an offer like that?
Years ago, whilst riding my Triumph Tiger 90, to avoid hitting a deer, I lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road, a very nice looking woman asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed, she want to help me.. "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of her car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come on, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very kind. Being sort of shaken , I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold drinks and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly" she said with a smile, " Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Probably still in the ditch with my Tiger 90, I guess."
Looking back on my career, one of my biggest regrets is, I was the assistant to Princess Anne for 20 years. I gave it up when I finally realised that there would never come a time that I could be promoted to the role of Princess Anne herself, even though I had absolute full knowledge of the job by then.
I can remember a few years ago I was approached by a Gypsy woman in the street, and she told me I had a large amount of money heading my way. ”That’s bollocks” I said to her looking over my shoulder at her as I crossed the street. Then I was run over by a Securicor van.
When my 1st wife died of a heart attack, I decided not to rush into another serious relationship. I visited a few dating websites and found myself a young blonde woman who loved sex. The in-laws went mad and reckoned I should have phoned for an ambulance first
I once worked for the Samaritans, but it I'm aftraid it didn’t end well. The first caller I had committed suicide whilst talking to me. It wouldn’t have been so bad, but it was a wrong number.
I remember I once took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said, "Son, I think this one's a keeper." "Awww dad, what makes you say that?" I asked, "She smells of elephant shit"
I can remember starting to lose my hair in my early 20's - a very distressing experience. I still have a comb from those many years ago - I just can't part with it
Three years ago, as me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other... She told me "You know Ron, I've always wanted to be handcuffed". So I planted 25g of coke in her suitcase. She comes out on parole next month
I remember a few years ago I took an experienced young lady back to my flat after a few drinks. Once we got started she hit me with a line I've never forgotten - "Wow, what a small organ you've got !!!" "It's never played in a Cathedral before" I replied
I bought a packet of those 'Everlasting Gobstoppers' as a child and fifty five years on, they're still going strong. I mentioned it to my wife last week. On closer inspection it turns out I actually bought a packet of marbles.
The Walsall illuminations on a trip daaaarn saaaaff a few years ago. Thousands of people gather to walk through a park with sheets of painted plywood with lightbulbs in them. Singularly the biggest waste of time and petrol eeeeever. The in-laws are still apologising for it years later.
I once attended a job interview and the HR woman asked what my biggest asset was? "Ive been told I've got a pretty big cock" I replied "You misunderstood the question- I mean the biggest asset you could bring to our company" she came back at me without flinching. "Well I'm not leaving it at home". I replied.
