Joke Page

A scotsman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money". The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was burried here and three days later he rose from the dead... She's goin' f**kin home !"

 

Apparently 4 billion people will be watching the opening ceremony for London 2012. I won't be one of them. If I wanted to watch 500 people walk around in tracksuits, I'd go and spend the day in Lidl.

 

Entered a blindfolded masturbating contest the other day, christ knows where I came!

 

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares earlier today. Going for a dump now... could spell trouble.

 

Mum cleaning her 12yr old son's bedroom finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "What do I do?" Hubby : "I'm not sure, but I wouldn't spank him"

 

A beautifull blonde asked me today if I liked legs or breasts... I said I preffered a shaved fa**y and hard a*al sex..... apparently not the right answer to give in KFC's!!

 

If he has is obviously an 'old' family heirloom, as some of them could easily be posted in the vintage section.....only joking :smile:

Anth

 

Old man goes to the doctors and says I think my wife is dead. Why do you think that ? the Doctor replies. Well the sex is the same but the ironing is stacking up !

 

A man goes into Waterstone's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant. "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title”.

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "That's the one, I'll take a copy."

 

I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

 

Newspaper clippings that make you laugh

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Went out last Friday and got pi$$ed out my head.
I woke up next to this sweaty fat bird who was snoring, grunting and farting.
I thought thank **** for that, at least I made it home.

 

I'm sick of double standards. My girlfriend buys a "rampant rabbit with attachments" and she's seen as a 'naughty fun girl with a special new toy.' But when I order a "240 volt deluxe fistmaster 5000 latex revolving pussy with realistic elasticated anus, imitation s**t dribble, seman collection tray and built in sadistic rape sound system", then that supposedly makes me some kind of pervert !