David Cameron is to stop UK born jihadists from flying back into the UK. They'll just have to use a lorry from Calais like the rest of them.
The wife was mad when the condom split whilst we were having sex last night. "How the hell did that happen?" She yelled. "Dunno." I replied. "It was fine the last time I used it."
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllatysiliogogogoch. I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a divorce?" I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said, "So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"
Man Utd are rapidly becoming the Katie Price of English football. They keep recklessly spending a fortune to needlessly boost what they have up front, whilst invariably being fucked at the back.
A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."
Unlike their national football team, most of the Scottish public will soon be putting a cross in the box.
The mother in law's heart is in the right place. It's her face & her arse that are the wrong way round.
The group formerly known as ISIS have politely asked that people refer to their new name which is more "Rock n Roll". Jihady-Waddy has a certain ring to it.
Following Wayne Rooney's poor current form, Man Utd are giving the captain's armband to Daley Blind. That would truly be a case of the Blind leading the blind.
The guy next door has built a car without a reverse gear or a steering wheel. He says it's pretty straight forward really.
A new report shows the public is being asked to do their own Police/detective work. So when the mother in law's house was burgled I went to McDonald's & sat eating doughnuts.
