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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. Said to the wife the other day," would you like to take part in that rape fantasy of mine?", "NO, I DO NOT" she replied, "Thats the spirit" I said!!
     
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  2. I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man.

    But apparently they're not a "proper" present.
     
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  3. I live near a remedial school. There's a sign on the road outside that says, 'SLOW CHILDREN'.

    That can't be good for their self-esteem.
     
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  4. Blonde woman texts her boyfriend whilst he's at work...

    Blonde "windows frozen at hope - what should I do?"

    Bf "spray on some anti-freeze or pour on some warm water"

    Blonde "done that - now computer won't even turn on !"
     
  5. Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
    A. A navel.
     
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  6. Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
    A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.


    Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
    A. Love doesn't last forever.

    Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
    A. Call her and tell her.

    Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
    A. It doesn't need cleaning.
     
  7. One day in school the teacher asks little Johnny,
    "If there were five birds on the tree and you shoot two birds with your gun then how many would be left?"
    "None because they would all fly away.", replies little Johnny.
    "That is incorrect.", says the teacher, "there would be three left, but I like the way you think."

    Then little Johnny asks the teacher,
    "If there were three women on the bench with an ice cream cone, one bitting on the cone, the other sucking the cone, and the last one licking her cone, which one is married?"
    "The one sucking on the cone," guessed the teacher.
    "That is incorrect," replies little Johnny," The one with the wedding ring on her finger is married, but I like the way you think."
     
  8. Things you will never hear a southerner (in the US) say

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    1. When I retire, I'm movin' north.

    2. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

    3. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

    4. Duct tape won't fix that.

    5. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken

    6. We don't keep firearms in this house.

    7. You can't feed that to the dog.

    8. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

    9. Wrestling is fake.

    10. We're vegetarians.

    11. Do you think my gut is too big?

    12. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy..

    13. Honey, we don't need another dog.

    14. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

    15. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

    16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

    17. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

    18. Trim the fat off that steak.

    19. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

    20. The tires on that truck are too big.

    21. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

    22. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

    23. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

    24. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

    25. Checkmate

    26. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

    27. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

    28. I don't have a favorite college team.

    29. You Guys.

    30. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

    31. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to re-elect OBAMA.
     
  9. I`ve started having sex with a blind woman, it`s very rewarding and the sex is amazing.
    It`s also very challenging, took me ages to get her husbands voice right.
     
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  10. A man is stuck in traffic. He asks a police officer about the hold-up and he replies: "The Chancellor of the Exchequer is so depressed about the mess he's made of the economy he's stopped his car and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. So we're taking up a collection for him."

    The man asks: "How much have you got so far?"

    The policeman replies: "About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
     
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  11. Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?


    A. If the girl has to chew before she swallows....
     
  12. You need to see He11cat's comments on page 4 of the Wow just Wow thread.
     
  13. That's a cracker - and that's coming from a person who used to work in Pathology & has seen 'samples' presented in all sorts of containers.

    Cheers Katie!
     
  14. Q. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?

    A. So men can remember them.
     
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  15. Why do females become secretaries?




    Because sheep can't type.


    AL
     
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  16. What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common..............















    I don't care if she has one or not!!!!
     
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  17. My mate got sacked from his job at B&Q today for knocking out an African woman, it seems he misunderstood the instruction "Go find a Black and Decker....."
     
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  18. There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...

    A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

    From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

    She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

    Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

    As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

    "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.

    Did you say ‘hello’?
     
  19. Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his
    retirement 25 years ago.

    One day he arrives home looking downcast.

    "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
    His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try.."
    "That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three.
    He can't help."
    "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
    So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
    "Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
    "Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
    "Can't remember."
     
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  20. Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.




    Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "f*ck that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
     
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