Joke Page

Seamus and Paddy have been mates for years, as they were from different religions, they never mentioned the subject.

One day Paddy had a big lottery win, so he and Seamus had a few drinks to celebrate.

"'What are you going to do with the money mate?

''I'm gonna put in a big stained glass window in our church down the road.'' says Paddy

''Let's have a few more drinks and we'll go down and put the whole fuckin lot in" says Seamus

 

JOB VACANCY.

Human Cannonball required.

Must be prepared to travel.

 

What do you get if you cross a Hells Angel with a Jehovahs Witness? Someone who knocks on your door and tells you to fuck off

 

A mate of mine got a job as a human cannonball but he got fired

 

My misses says I'm immature and need to grow up!! I was that shocked I nearly fell out the shopping trolley.

 

A son from a poor family wins three million pounds on the lottery, so he goes home and gives his dad five hundred quid.

The old man looks at the cash and says, "thanks, son, this money will mean a lot to me. We"ve never had much in this family, we"ve always been poor. Do you know, I couldn't even afford to marry your mother."

""What!" exclaims the son, "you mean I"m.......well.......a bastard?"

" Yep," replies his dad, "and a fucking tight one, too."

 

Brilliant

 

We always do it Doggy style

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead

 

I've heard that Frank Ifield is doing a collaboration with Johnny Rotten? "I remember you - you fuckin wanker!"

 

Back on July 9th, a group of "HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina Chapter" bikers were riding east on Highway 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

£198M for Neymar!

To put it into context, that's the equivalent of taking a family of 5 to Center Parcs for a week during school holidays.