Joke Page

I heard a radio traffic report the other day saying an individual was driving the wrong way round the M25.
My Wife will be travelling round there about now I thought so I called her.. she answered hands free. I said just to warn you luv some idiot of an individual is currently driving the wrong way round the M25.. she replied... Oh no there's more than just the one, there's hundreds of them...

 

A 47 year-old woman gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look.

She goes to the news-stand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''?
The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.''

The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?''
The man replies, ''You're 37, right?''
The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.''

After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.''
So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!''
The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?''

The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''

 

A pregnant lady, expecting triplets is in a bank sorting a standing order out with a cashier when a bank raid goes off. Their raid fails and one of the gunmen sprays the bank with machine gun fire, the pregnant lady, shot, wakes up in hospital the next day. The first thing she asks the doctor is " my babies my babies what about my babies?" The Doctor tells her theres good news and there's bad news, the bad news is, each baby has caught a bullet but the good news is I am certain they all will be fine and will naturaly pass each Bullet as they grow up..

Years later and all is well, she has three healthy little boys..
one day, aged 2, she has little Billy sitting on his potty and he's having a real grunt while doing a poo.. as Mum cleans out his potty she sees a silver object, it was a Bullet! Fantastic, one down two to go..

Mums helping 6 year old Jonnie on the toilet, again he's doing a poo.. as he grunts she hears a chink sound, looking in the pan of the loo she finds a Bullet, hooray! That's two down only one to more to go..

Several years later Mum is helping Jonnie and Billy with their homework, they're 15 yr olds now. Tommy is in the upstairs bathroom when all of a sudden there's an almighty scream! Mum rushs to the bathroom to find Tommy with his boxers round his ankles sitting on the loo.
A very worried Mum says
" Tommy, what ever is it, what's wrong?" And then dawning on her, she says,

"Ahhh, don't tell me, you were having a poo and you've found something shiny in the bottom of the loo"

"Err no" said Tommy.

"Well what then?" said a puzzled looking Mum.

Tommy replied....

"I was having a wank and I've shot the cat!"

 

A pirate went to see the doctor about the moles on his back.

"I wouldn't worry about it," said the doctor, "They're benign."

"Count 'em again doc," said the pirate, "You'll find there be ten."

 

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'. But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".



20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"



Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . .. this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.



Fish?", queries Noah.



"Yep, fish. . .well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"



Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" Check".



With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"



Check".



And you want it full of Carp?".



Check".



Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.



Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

 

"Do you know Vic Burns?"

"No, i don't think so?"

"It does if you rub it on your bollocks"

 

My sister went to see a dyslexic fortune teller. She spent three years ģoing out with a tall dark handsome strangler.

 

Got some cheap copy Viagra called Niagra off the Internet. They didn't work. I was at the toilet every five minutes for a piss.

 

A soldier ran up to a nun out of breath and asked"Please,may i hide under your skirt?" i'll explain later,the nun agreed...A moment later 2 military police ran up and asked,sister,have you seen a soldier?The nun replied,he went that way.After the MPs ran off,the soldier crawled out from under her skirt,and said"I can't thank you enough sister,you see,i don't want to go to Afghanistan...The nun said,i understand completely"the soldier added"I hope i'm not rude,but you have a great pair of legs!"Nun replied"If you had looked a little higher,you would have seen a great pair of bollocks!"....."I don't want to go to Afghanistan either!"

 

The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him. And he's right too. I have no desire at all."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks.
After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now."
"That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?"
"How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet.

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!

 

Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street.

Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings.

Robbie, quick as a flash, pulls down her knickers and fucks her senseless.

He turns to Elton and says, "Your turn"...! but Elton starts to cry.

"What's wrong, Elton"..?? asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings"..