Joke Page

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with very large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for just this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of Itching Powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident; Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent Breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a Hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 Gold Coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick.........

 

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

"BOB, wake up....... You've shit the bed...."

 

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" £124,237.64" replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?" "Well, forst I selt him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"Not quite......he really came in heeya to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f#@ked, you might as well gan fishing."

 

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five
persons.'

'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You
have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'

The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want
to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'

 

Off to view a prospective new house tomorrow with period features.


She hates it when I call her that.

 

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at BUPA Private Healthcare Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well.
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but BUPA will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at BUPA recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town."

"Then what" asks Mrs Sanders

"If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him".

 

Someone stole my Microsoft office and they're gonna pay

You have my Word

 

Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor Bastard !!

 

How do you find Will Smith in the snow ??

You look for the fresh prints !!

 

How do you think the unthinkable ?

With an Itheburg

 

Sheila stepped delicately out of the shower and slipped on the wet bathroom floor. Instead of falling over, her legs skidded apart causing her to do the splits and suction herself to the ceramic floor tiles.
Stuck like a limpet to a ship's hull, she cried out for her husband.
"Bruce, Bruce," she yelled.
Bruce gulped down his tinny and came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned meself to the floor," she said .
"Strewth Sheila," said Bruce as he tried to pull her up. "That's some suction, you're stuck fast girl. I'll nip across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). Bruce and Cobba come running back and they both try to pull Sheila free. "No way Bruce mate, we can't do it. We can't break the vacuum," said Cobba, "Lets go to Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's Plan B"? "I go back home and get me hammer and chisel. Then we break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." Replied Cobba. "Spot on, mate" said Bruce. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits?" said Cobba, "Not exactly a good time for that, mate." "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her aroused enough, we can slide her through into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive....."