Joke Page

I've just written a song about a tortilla .................. actually, it's more of a wrap!

 

I've been getting lots of nuisance calls from this bloke who keeps singing to me ..............."Stand and Deliver" - "Prince Charming".

I keep telling him to f*ck off, but he's adamant!

 

Young Timmy has lost his Mum at Asda's and is bawling his eyes out - the security guard tries to comfort him.

"What's your Mum like?" he asks.

"Big pricks and Bacardi" replies Timmy.

 

A couple sat down to breakfast and the husband noticed that his wife was in a foul mood, so he asked her what was wrong. She replied "You were talking in your sleep, what I want to know is who is Jane?"

Quick as a flash the husband replies "Oh Jane - that's a horse I won £500 on last week. A really good horse!"

Later he comes home from work, and his wife is in a foul mood again - she turned to him and said "Your horse phoned today"

 

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, “Look at the size of that Son of a B*tch!

“Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!”

“No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is – a Son of a B*tch fish!”

“Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a B*tch!

” Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster.

“Father, that’s the biggest Son of a B*tch I’ve ever seen”

“Yes, it is a big Son of a B*tch.. What should I do with it?” “Why, eat it! Of course.

You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a B*tch!”

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. “Take a look at this big Son of a B*tch I caught!”

Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, “Father!” “It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a B*tch fish!”

“Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a B*tch?”

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a B*tch for his dinner.

“I’ll even clean the Son of a B*tch,” she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. “What are you doing Sister?”

“Father wants me to clean this big Son of a B*tch for the new Bishop’s Dinner”

“Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!”

“No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a B*tch Fish.”

“Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a B*tch.
” On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect.

The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, “This is great fish, where did you get it?”

“I caught that Son of a B*tch!” proclaimed the proud priest.

“And I cleaned the Son of a B*tch!” exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added,” And I prepared the Son of a B*tch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said, “You f***ers are my kind of people."

 

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for £19.95, Shopping Barbie for £19.95, Beach Barbie for £19.95, Disco Barbie for £19.95, Ballerina Barbie for £19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for £19.95, Skater Barbie for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others only £19.95?"

The salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

"Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls."

 

I was on the bus when the attractive young woman next to me began to breast feed her baby, without much success.

She said "Come on now and drink your milk - otherwise I'll give it to that nice young man sat next to me"

After two more attempts with the same unsuccessful result I looked at her and said "Come on love, make your mind up - I should have got off six stops ago!"

 

Anybody needs any jokes about chimneys I’ve got stacks of em

 

Paddy's driving down the Motorway towing a trailer , and he gets stopped by the Garda Police .

The cop asks Paddy, "What's in the trailer Paddy"..???

He replies, "Race Horses, we are going to the Leopardstown races"..

"But the trailer's totally empty", says the Cop.

"I Know" replies Paddy,

"I'm taking all the Non-Runners first"...

 

Two old Ladies were sitting on a park bench outside their local London Town Hall where the Chelsea Flower Show was in progress.

One leaned over and said, "God Ethel, Life is so darn boring at our Age".

We never have any fun anymore. For £5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show over there"..

"You're On"...! said the other old lady, holding up a £5.00 note.

The first Lady fumbled her way out of her Clothes and, completely Stark, Bollock Naked, streaked through the front door of the Chelsea Flower Show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the Main Hall, followed by loud applause.

The naked Lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What Happened"..?? asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Bush Arrangement."..

 

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two