Joke Page

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.

Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on ebay) and ran it up the flag pole

Now, the local police, DMSU'S, SAS, MI6 and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.

I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving £69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for my family when we shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat us down.

(Isn't Norhern Ireland just great to live in)

 

A man and a woman are getting ready for a party...
She: "Does this dress make me look fat?"
Him: "Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?"
"Yes, I promise."
"I fucked your sister . . .

 

Terrible news coming from Merseyside this morning

The Birkenhead Tunnel has been closed and the speed limit will be reduced for
the foreseeable future to 25mph

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the tunnel approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, has confirmed in their report the problem was NOT Avian Flu but rather the cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"

 

A nun asks the Mother Superior to hear her confession:

”Last night I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Conner came to me and told me that I had the Gates of Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the Gates.”

" Bastard!” cries the Mother Superior, “Ten years ago, he told me it was Angel Gabriel’s Trumpet and I’ve been blowing it ever since”

 

Two dyslexics are on a car,
one says to the other can you smell petrol,
the other one says, dont be silly I cant even spell my own name

 

what's Forrest Gumps password

1 Forest 1