Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

  1. [​IMG]
     
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  2. My mate said his granddad lived to the age of 101. He actually died on the day of his 101st birthday.

    My mate said it was such a shame, as they were only half way through his birthday bumps at the time...
     
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  3. I've just read an article that said lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

    So, if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning....
     
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  4. I'm not saying my mate's new girlfriend is a bit of a heffer...

    But yesterday she cleaned the oven with two slices of bread....
     
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  5. Seamus and Paddy drove into their local timber yard.

    Paddy walked into the yard office and said, “We need sixty four-by-twos.”

    The storeman asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

    Paddy said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.

    He returned and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

    “All right. How long do you need them?” asked the storeman.

    Paddy paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”

    After a while, he returned to the office and said, “A long time - we’re gonna build a house.”
     
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  6. My mate said his wife's father said, "If you marry my daughter I'll give you three acres and a cow."

    My mate says he's still waiting for the three acres..
     
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  7. doctor, ive a strawberry stuck in my arse hole.

    Dont worry, ive got some cream for that.
     
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  8. A man was driving down a country lane and ran over a cockerel. Deeply upset, he went to a farmhouse and knocked on the door.

    A woman opened it and he said: “I appear to have killed your cockerel – I’d like to replace him.”

    “Please yourself,” she said. “The hens are round the back.”
     
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  9. When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

    At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.

    "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years"?

    "A penis", replied Madame deGaulle.

    A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

    Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma Cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness'"...
     
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  10. Just sent the wife a text:

    "Booked us on a 5 day Mediterranean cruise, we go in 6 weeks time. xx"

    She texted back:

    "Nice, but wish it was twice as long."

    So I just phoned the travel agent and we're going in 12 weeks time instead..
     
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  11. Dave decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

    One evening, after the honeymoon, Dave and his new wife was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

    After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart".

    Dave gets this horrified look on his face.

    She says, "Darling, what's wrong"?

    Dave says, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife”.

    "Ex wife" she screams! "I didn't know you were married before"!

    ”I wasn't“ replies Dave
     
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  12. A scuba diver went missing off rocks, presumed drowned, and a team of police divers spent two days trying to locate the body.

    Three policemen arrived at his wife's house late in the afternoon and the spokesman told her, "We've got some good news, some very good news, and some very very good news."

    "The good news is that we located your husband's body trapped under a shelf of rocks about 20 metres off the shore."

    "Well thank goodness you found him" responded the distraught wife. "What is the very good news?"

    "Well -" said the spokesman handing her a sack, "The very good news is that when we attached a rope to your husband and pulled him to the surface - we found there were a large number of good-sized lobsters clinging to his wetsuit, and this is your share!"

    "Oh!" Gasped the wife taking the sack. "And what is the very, very good news?"

    "We're pulling him up again tomorrow morning at low tide, so if you'd like to bring the sack down and meet us on the rocks we could probably fill it up again!"
     
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  13. I had a happy childhood, my Mum would put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill, Oh they were Goodyears.
     
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  14. Bought a new sat nav with the voice provided by Bono.

    It's useless: The streets have no name, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
     
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  15. The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

    “Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

    “Well, Paddy,” Sarkozy replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

    “Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”

    Sarkozy paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

    “Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”

    Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

    “And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Sarkozy asks.

    “Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

    Sarkozy sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”

    “Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

    Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

    Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

    “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”

    Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

    “Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Sarkozy. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

    “Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
     
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  16. 51FCD733-6558-4B8D-8AE2-F9D436DE479C.jpeg
     
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  17. Q. What do you call a pig who has lost his voice?

    A. Disgruntled.
     
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  18. Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

    "B'jeesus," said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is."

    "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.

    "Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see," said Paddy.

    "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy." replied Shamus.

    "Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.

    "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

    "And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.

    "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

    "And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.

    "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

    "And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.

    "I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.

    So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.

    As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".

    Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is".
     
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  19. My mate said his wife is so fat he took a photo of her last Christmas and it's still printing..
     
  20. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
    The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
    "Yes, Father, it is."
    "And who was the girl you were with?"
    "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
    "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
    "I cannot say."
    "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
    "I'll never tell."
    "Was it Nina Capelli?"
    "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
    "Was it Cathy Piriano?"
    "My lips are sealed."
    "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
    "Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
    "Four months vacation and five good leads..."
     
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