Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

  1. My mate in Dublin says they now have a water shortage over there.

    As a result his local swimming baths have closed lanes 6 and 7.
     
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  2. [​IMG]
     
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  3. My mate said his granddad lived to the age of 101. He actually died on the day of his 101st birthday.

    My mate said it was such a shame, as they were only half way through his birthday bumps at the time...
     
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  4. I've just read an article that said lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

    So, if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning....
     
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  5. I'm not saying my mate's new girlfriend is a bit of a heffer...

    But yesterday she cleaned the oven with two slices of bread....
     
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  6. Seamus and Paddy drove into their local timber yard.

    Paddy walked into the yard office and said, “We need sixty four-by-twos.”

    The storeman asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

    Paddy said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.

    He returned and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

    “All right. How long do you need them?” asked the storeman.

    Paddy paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”

    After a while, he returned to the office and said, “A long time - we’re gonna build a house.”
     
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  7. My mate said his wife's father said, "If you marry my daughter I'll give you three acres and a cow."

    My mate says he's still waiting for the three acres..
     
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  8. doctor, ive a strawberry stuck in my arse hole.

    Dont worry, ive got some cream for that.
     
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  9. A man was driving down a country lane and ran over a cockerel. Deeply upset, he went to a farmhouse and knocked on the door.

    A woman opened it and he said: “I appear to have killed your cockerel – I’d like to replace him.”

    “Please yourself,” she said. “The hens are round the back.”
     
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  10. When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

    At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.

    "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years"?

    "A penis", replied Madame deGaulle.

    A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

    Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma Cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness'"...
     
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  11. Just sent the wife a text:

    "Booked us on a 5 day Mediterranean cruise, we go in 6 weeks time. xx"

    She texted back:

    "Nice, but wish it was twice as long."

    So I just phoned the travel agent and we're going in 12 weeks time instead..
     
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