Joke Page

According to "Psychology Today" magazine, women spend 12,000 hours of their lives crying.


Whereas blokes spend exactly the same amount of time not knowing what the fuck they've done wrong.

 

I am absolutely gutted, spent 3 hours carefully removing the shell from my racing Snail to make him lighter and therefore faster, but unfortunately it has made him Sluggish.

 

Have you ever noticed how many Formula One drivers share their names with Scottish towns?<br />
<br />
Lewis Hamilton<br />
Stirling Moss<br />
Eddie Irvine<br />
Ayr Town Centre

 

WARNING TO DRIVERS

I just filled the car up with petrol and didn't notice i'd spilled some on my sleeve.

Going down the M606, I lit a fag and my sleeve burst into flames, so I opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames.

Next thing I know is some coppers stopped me and charged me for having a fire arm without a licence.....

 

I asked my Binmen today if the Council gave them any training....
Apparently all staff were told they must just pick it up as they go along...

 

I was on a date the other night and this girl says to me “You can tell a lot about a man’s sexual desires by his pet. Do you have a pet?”

“Yep” I replied “a dog”

“Oooo! You like doggie style” she replied. “What kind of dog?”

“A cocker-poo”

 

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Irishman answered his door to find two grim-faced constables.

"We're sorry, Mr. O'Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen," said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" O'Flynn asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Patrick said, "Give me the bad news first."

The constable said, "I'm really sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O'Flynn. Swallowing hard, he then asked, "What could possibly be the good news

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

 

"You'll be fine," the doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery.
"But", she asked, "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek.
The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

 

Bono and The Edge walk into a bar,barman says “ Oh God, not U2 again!”