Definition: The Manchester Uninetieth Minute - the time added by an intimidated referee at Old Trafford that allows Man Utd to secure a draw or a win from a match they would otherwise lose.
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE : The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides". "The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Two matadors, Juan and Jose are checking out the bullfight crowd looking for nice babes. Suddenly Juan says to Jose, "Look, and way up at the top of the stands, the Chiquita with her legs spread? A mucho hairy pussy, and she's not wearing any panties." Jose looks and says, "Yes, she is. She is wearing black panties." To settle it, they send Pancho, the boy who scoops up the bullpoop, to go find out. Pancho runs up the stairs, looks between the girl's legs, and lets out a loud, "Aye, caramba!" He goes running back to Juan and Jose, and Juan says, "So, is it pussy or panties?" Pancho says, "It is flies."
The success of the 'Wonder Bra' for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women. It's called the 'Sheep Dog Bra'. It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! {A} Almost boobs... {B} Barely there {C} Can't complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake {G} Get a Reduction {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!' She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!' The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him saying: 'I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTY!!! YOU USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!'
Bradley Wiggins has been knocked off his bike by a woman pulling out of a petrol station and broke two ribs. Imagine the damage she'd cause if she took the handbrake off.
What`s the difference between the wife and the mistress? The wife is the better half, but the mistress is the better hole.
Got one of them Anti-Bullying wristbands yesterday. Got it off a little fat ginger bastard with glasses.
A fat lass walks by a pet shop and a parrot shouts "Oi you" She says "What?" The parrot shouts "Yer a fat ugly cunt!" She storms away raging. The next day it happens again so she goes in and tells the owner if it happens again she's telling the Police. So the next morning she swaggers by and the parrot shouts "Oi you" She says "What?" The parrot shouts "You fucking know what!"
The local peado and a little girl are walking through the woods at night "cor it's dark and scary in here!" Says the little girl "I know" says the paedo, "and you don't have to walk back alone"
In the last ten Years we have lost Johnny Cash Bob Hope Steve Jobs and Jimmy Saville So now we have no Cash, No Jobs and No Hope. And no Bastard to Fix it.
Looks like Santa won't be visiting Stoke Mandeville hospital this year. "The thought of another white-haired man emptying his sack on the children's ward is too much." Said the Chief Nurse.
A hidden episode of Scooby Doo has emerged featuring Jimmy Saville as the villain... He'd have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for meddling with those kids.
A mate gave me a Lesbian website , Gash.Eaters.com. Must've typed it in wrong.Just as the page loaded, the Wife walked in and caught me with my knob out, looking at some Gas Heaters.
