Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

  1. I always knew my cousin George was going to join the police when he grew up:

    When we used to play Subbuteo all he wanted to do was walk around the pitch looking at the crowd .
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  2. I hate all those adverts on TV about alleged miracle "anti-aging" creams. What a crock of shit.

    If they really did work the anti-ageing advert that I'd like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, "Aah, I’ve used too much".
     
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  3. The man who invented human cloning has died.

    The mourners will probably be beside themselves at the funeral.
     
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  4. Camouflage roller skates.

    You can hide but you can’t run.
     
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  5. My mate got a Womble pepper grinder for Christmas, but he says it's rubbish:

    Everything is either underground or overground..
     
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  6. Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

    The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of ‘Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!’ all night long.

    In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, ‘How did it go?’ The first mutters, ‘It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on.’

    The second dwarf shook his head. ‘You think that's embarrassing?’ - I couldn't even get on the fucking bed."
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
  7. A man went into a small village Chemist and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

    The woman behind the counter said she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.

    She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

    The man said "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a large permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

    The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

    When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and £3000 a month in living expenses."
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
  8. There was a country church that had a bell that no one could ring.

    One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first.

    The bell tolled loud and clear, and the priest offered him the job as bell-ringer.

    Next Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, fell off the bell-tower and died.

    "Attention," the priest said before the assembled congregation - "Does anybody know this boy's name? I personally don't know him but his face rings a bell."
     
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  9. [​IMG]
     
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  10. I said to the pet shop owner "I want a taller stand for my parrot but I haven't much money. Can I get one and pay it off monthly?"

    "We don't do higher perches,” he replied.
     
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  11. Taking part in a radio phone-in quiz, Paddy was asked to name 3 famous Poles.

    He replied, "North, South and Tad."
     
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  12. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped last night by the gay genie.

    To be fair the audience did try to warn him several times
     
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  13. My mate said his wife is complaining that she gets blisters on her hands from the broom.

    I suggested he should buy her a bicycle or let her use the car...
     
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  14. You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology?

    I’m like that, but with salad!
     
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  15. Q. How many animals can you fit into a pair of tights?

    A. Two calves, one fat ass, one beaver, a shed load of hares, one camel toe and a fish no one can find..
     
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  16. Last night my mate Dave said "Can I ask you a question?"

    "Of course Dave, if you can't ask your best friend a question then who can you ask?" I replied.

    "OK" says Dave " What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?"

    "I don’t know, and I don’t care" I replied
     
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  17. I caught my mate shagging a Massey Ferguson up the exhaust pipe on the local farm.

    When I asked him what he was doing he said it was my fault as he was only following my advice on chatting up a girl he fancied.

    I said to him, "You stupid twat, I actually said to do something outrageous to attract her."
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  18. My young son, Dave, was kicked out of class this afternoon.

    His teacher said to him “If I gave you £20 and you gave Jane £5, then gave £5 to Claire and then gave another £5 to Katie, what would you have?”

    Apparently.........three blow jobs and enough for a kebab was the wrong answer.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  19. My mate says he wishes he could be as funny as Michael McIntyre thinks he is.
     
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  20. So much truth in that...
     
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