Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

  1. Not that I’m getting old, but the noises I used to make during sex - I now make getting out of bed..
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
  2. At the local Hospital :

    Doctor, “What is this?"

    Me “This is a book that I’ve written, it’s got 500 pages."

    Doctor, “You wrote 500 pages. What did you write about then?”

    Me, On the first page I wrote “One day a King rode on a Horse and went towards the Jungle.
    And on the last page I wrote The King reached the Jungle."

    Doctor, “So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages?"

    Me, “I wrote :

    " Tigdik tigdik tigdik
    tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
    tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
    tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
    tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik
    tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
    tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik
    tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik
    tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
    tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    tigdik tigdi
    tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
    tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik
    tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
    tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik
    tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik
    tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
    tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
    tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
    tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
    tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
    Tigdik ti tigdik
    tigdik..."

    Doctor, (stunned) "AND what's all that????!!!!!"

    Me, “That's the sound of the horse running...The hooves digging into the terrain."

    Doctor- "AND just who will read your story?"

    “I will post it on the Ducati Forum website - My mad friends there will definitely read it...they're all idiots, in fact one of them is reading it even as I speak."
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
    • Agree Agree x 3
  3. Ordered a pizza last night, but they rang back to cancel the order.

    Apparently they couldn't get their ferry down our road..
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  4. One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named "Chet", which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

    "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his left foot like this." was the shop owner's reply.

    Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot.

    Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."

    The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.

    When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

    "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

    So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy Night..."

    The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

    The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.

    Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly (as if it were the performance of his life),

    Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
    • Like Like x 2
  5. An American, a Englishman and an Aussie are talking about screams of passion.

    The American said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her Body with the finest body oil money can buy, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."

    The Englishman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with very special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love.. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

    The Aussie said: That's nothing!!!. Last night I massaged my wife ,you know, all over her body with butter.
    I smeared her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

    The American and Englishman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ....wow that's phenomenal ! How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

    "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  6. A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence:

    He’s allowed to say two words every seven years.

    After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.

    Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.

    Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.

    "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 2
  7. I still don't like the new £1 coin. But then I've never been a fan of change.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  8. Did you hear about the dwarf psychic that broke out of jail?

    Police are looking for a small medium at large.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 2
  9. Saw an incredibly loud Abba tribute in Leeds Merrion shopping centre yesterday.

    You could hear the drums from Nandos
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  10. Snowplough Warning.....

    Norman and his blonde wife live in Northern Colorado. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to get 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."

    Norman's wife moves her car to the even numbered side of the street.

    A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."

    Norman's wife moves her car again, this time to the odd numbered side of the street.

    The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says......We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park your car......................"......THEN all of the electric power goes off

    Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says to her husband................."Honey, I don't know what to do..... Which side of the street do I need to park the car on so the snowplough can get through?"

    Norman says......... "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  11. I went to a wife swapping party last night.

    Came home with a new lawn mower...
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
  12. Our local photographer died at a wedding at the weekend when a huge block of Cheddar fell on his head.

    Apparently he ignored the warning from the wedding party!!
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Face Palm Face Palm x 1
  13. My mate has just taken up origami.

    When I asked him why, he said the reason was twofold..
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  14. My wife is spreading rumours that I am schizophrenic!!!

    Well three can play at that game!!!
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Saw a newspaper headline: 'Man dies in second fatal fall at Canary Wharf in 24 hours'.

    Surprised he wasn't killed the first time...
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  16. Personally, I'm feckin' sick of jokes about fat people

    Those responsible should realise that fatties have already got enough on their plate
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  17. My missus took a pair of knickers back to Abdul in the market last week.

    She said “I bought a pair of knickers off you last week, washed em once and they’re full of holes”.

    He said “bring them back”.

    She said “I've come in em”.

    “I’m not bothered if you’ve shit in em, bring them back”.
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  18. I had my first parachute jump today and I was terrified. This guy strapped himself to me and we both jumped out.


    As we plummeted down he shouted, "So, how long have you been an instructor?"
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  19. Elvis Costello has just launched a new range of Mediterranean sausages, and they're delicious:

    Olive Salami is here to stay.....
     
    • Like Like x 3
  20. Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell In a statement she said: “The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”
     
    • Like Like x 4
    • Funny Funny x 1