Joke Page

A newly wed couple were getting ready for bed on their wedding night and having sex for the first time, and when he took off his trousers she noticed his knees and asked whats wrong with your knees?

He answered "When I was 8, I had Kneesles,"

She said "don't be silly you mean Measles" - "no" he said "I only had it in my knees".

Then his socks came off and she she saw his toes and asked "Whats a matter with your toes? "

"Well, when I was 10, I had Toelio,"

"You mean Polio"

"No" he said "it only affected my toes."

Then his pants came off she looked down and said

"Don't tell me you also had Smallcox?"

 

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go for the same job.

The manager interviewing says he wants each of them to go into his office one at a time to take a test.

The Englishman goes in and is presented with a potato, a lettuce and a knife.

The manager asks him which is the odd one out.

The Englishman says, "The knife, that"s mineral and the other two are vegetables."

"Well done," says the manager, "send the Scottish guy in."

The Scotsman is presented with the same test.

He says, "The knife - you can eat the other two."

"Fair enough," says the manager, "send in the Irish chap."

The Irishman goes in, and is again faced with the same test.

He answers, "The lettuce"

"How have you reached that conclusion?" the manager asks.

The Irishman says, "Easy- you can make chips with the other two"

 

Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town
and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town.

He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall. He was most
embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just long enough to deliver his paper.

He ignored the thunderous applause and raced out the stage door, never to return to his home town again, until many years later, when his elderly mother was ill and he returned to visit her.

He reserved a hotel room under the name of "Smith" and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is
this your first visit to our city, Mr. Smith?"

Dr. Goldberg replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Haven't you visited since?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return.”

Trying his best to console him, the desk clerk replied "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too.”

Dr. Goldberg replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident.”

The clerk asked, "Was it a long time ago?"

Dr. Goldberg replied, "Yes, many years ago.”

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the "Goldberg Fart"?"

 

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.

When they finish, he goes back to the phone.

"What are you doing now?" she asks.

"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.

Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole"

 

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance, and as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight? '
Startled, Sophia replies,'Yes, Luigi, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?
Luigi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?
Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi, I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red ...

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart! Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
'Yes, Luigi, I wear no panties tonight.'

Luigi gasps, 'Thanka you, Lord Jesus - I thought I had a crack in my $300 Armani leather shoes"

 

What do we want?

A cure for bipolar disorders!

When do we want it?

We don't want it anymore!

 

The wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with the 60s band “the monkees “ at first I didn’t believe her

“But then I saw her face”