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Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.
Mission Impossible 7:
Tying to get Mr T on a Boeing 737 Max 8.
At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said I didn't know that one, but I would have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody.
Johnny was sitting in a bus smoking weed.
Then he took out another one.
A bloke sitting next to him said: "Did you know that marijuana can damage your health?"
Johnny replied: " My grandfather lived to reach 103 "
"Was it because of smoking weed?" the man asked.
"No he was minding his own business" Johnny replied
Stevie Wonder: 7 kids
David Blunkett: 5 kids
Ray Charles: 12 kids
Perhaps it’s safe to say it’s not wanking that makes you blind....?
I said to this guy, "How do you get your coffee table so shiny?" He said, "Polish!" I said, "Sorry - jak sprawić, by twój stolik był tak błyszczący?"
My mate said his first night in prison and not sleeping next to his wife, he wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing erection.
He just wished it had been his own.
PADDY'S LAST WILL -
Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."
"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road."
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..
"Property?”, his wife replies. “He had a window cleaning round."
My mate said his new girlfriend was the sort of girl who blows men's minds.
I told him she might be a keeper if he can get her to aim a bit lower...
Dear mother it's a bastard.... Dear son so are you.
20 years ago lad worked as an apprentice sign fitter. Working at Woolworths. He fell & died. Mothers hepitaph on gravestone. Here lies the body of my son Joe, who fell to his death through a letter O . No one finer, no one better, he went as he came through a hole in a letter.
Young lad working at mortician's as apprentice. Boss says I am going out for a while , do not touch anything & leave the dead bodies alone. Boss came back & noticed that a woman's body cover was hanging loose. He said to boy Have you touched that body. He says yes , sorry. Then the lad says what is that Prawn between her legs. Boss says that's not a prawn it's a Vagina. Lad says oh, well it tasted like a Prawn.
I said to the doctor I keep thinking I am a steering wheel. Doctor said your round the Feckin bend.
We were so poor my mother cut a hole in my trouser pocket.
Long one.... Sailor went to prostitute in Taiwan, he said I have had sex with every woman in every port in the world & want something different. She says what about the Hurricane shag. He says yes let's do it. She pulls the bed away from the wall & lays him naked on the bed. She starts to run around the bed & then jumps on him, Farts in his face. He says you dirty bastard what was that & she says it was the wind with the hurricane. She gets off the bed & runs round again then jumps on again & pisses on his chest. He says you dirty bastard what was that & she says it was the rain with the hurricane. Gets off & runs round again. This time she jumps on his face & craps all over his chin. He says you diiirty cow, what was that. She says it was the debris with the hurricane. She starts off again & he jumps off the bed & heads for the door. She says wait a minute I have not finished yet. He says I am not fuckin you in this weather.
Madhur Jafffrey had a lover who could give her multiple orgasms.
He knew how to find her ghee spot.
My mate Dave called his 13yo son into the lounge and said “Listen son, your mum and I need to tell you that you were adopted.”
Astonished Dave’s son said “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Dave said “We are your biological parents. Now be a good lad and get packed up, your new ones will be here to pick you up in 20 minutes.”
Dear Mum its a bastard ,sell the pig and buy me out.
Dear Son and so are you pig sold soldier on.
My mate said his wife is giving her mother a dozen roses for Mother's Day.
Fat cow is keeping the rest of the tin for herself....