Joke Page

Today the BBC has obviously had to cancel the "Brexit Day Special" scheduled for 11pm tonight. So they have replaced it with a repeat of an old "Would I Lie To You" episode.

 

Wish me luck in this year's London Marathon. I managed 3 hours, 12 minutes and 9 seconds last year. This year I will try to beat that, ..........


but I usually get bored and turn over to watch something else.

 

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on cliffhangers.




The librarian says;

 

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer , became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.He put a sign up outside that said: " Dr. Geezer's Clinic . Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young , who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr Young : " Dr. Geezer , I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr Geezer : "Nurse, please bring medicine from the box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr Young : 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"

Dr Geezer : " Congratulations !
You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young : "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr Geezer : "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr Young : "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr Geezer : " Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr Young : "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr Geezer : "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr Young : "But this is only $10!"

Dr Geezer : " Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."



* Moral of story * -- Just because you're "young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer”

 

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

*St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down so you will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest asked, "I've always wanted to be an an eagle, soaring above the Cumbrian Mountains ."

“So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count' St. Peter?"

" No I told you the computer is down, there's no way we can keep track of what you are doing.”

" In that case" says the second priest, “I've always wanted to be a Stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.

"Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter, "He's somewhere over Lake Windermere, flying with the eagles,
but the second one could prove to be more difficult.

“Why?” asks the Lord.

“He’s on a snow tyre, somewhere in Aberdeen"

 

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross Sister."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer fuckin balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks,

"Did that sound cross enough?

 

Fact

Although Jesus was a carpenter, he never actually played on any of their hits