Joke Page

Kids told me a couple of jokes

Guy goes in library and asked the librarian if they had a BOOK about pantomimes to which the librarian replied

“ ITS BEHIND YOUUUUUU”

Guy goes in library and asked librarian if they had any books on suicide to which the librarian replied
“ we do have a book about suicide it was lent out last week but hasn’t been returned”

 

A dwarf was drinking in a bar when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a little person”

The dwarf replied “I’m sorry, but I’ve had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get the shit kicked out of me”

“It’s ok” said the woman “ my husband is working away until next week “

So, against his better judgment he goes back with the woman.

Well, they start having amazing sex, when suddenly the front door opens. “Shit, it’s my husband “ she said
“ quick, hang out of the bedroom window, and when he goes for a shower, you can climb in and get away”

So the dwarf climbs out of the window and hangs on the ledge by his fingertips.

The husband comes in the bedroom and says “ fuck, it’s cold in here” and slams the window shut and the dwarf plummets to the ground.

Well the woman is distraught and calls an ambulance. A couple of days later she goes to visit the dwarf in hospital.

“How are you” ? She asks

“Well my fingers are broken, I’ve got two broken ankles, a dislocated hip and severe concussion “ he replies

“Oh dear” she said "Still , it could have been much worse “

“Much worse ?” Says the dwarf “How do you figure that out?"

“Well - it’s lucky I live in a bungalow”

 

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

 

The first law of Alziemers Club is, there is no Chess Club.

 

A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once , so she goes to the *Aberdeen Evening Gazette* and says , 'I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband ..'

The man at the desk says , 'OK, how much money dae ye have ...?'

The old woman replies , '£5' to which the man says , 'Ye won't get many words for that Mrs , but write something and we'll see if it's ok ..'

So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter ..

The man reads 'Peter Reid, fae Peterheid is deid ..'

He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and wanting to help the old lady, he encourages her to write a few more things , saying, 'I think we could allow 3 or 4 more words fer ye money ..'

The old woman ponders and then writes a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again .

The man then reads - 'Peter Reid, fae Peterheid is deid .. Ford Escort for sale '

 

3 Australian blokes - Steve, Dave and Bruce are working on a high rise when tragically one of them (Steve) falls to his death

The other two have to decide who will break the news to his missus

Dave decides he'll do it as he's pretty good at that caring sentimental stuff and off he trots

3 hours later he's back with a crate of Stella under his arm

"Where'd you get that mate ? " asks Bruce

"Steve's missus gave it to me "

"So you told her, her husbands dead, and she gave you a crate of Stella ?"

"Well, not exactly - when she opened the door I said "Hi you must be Steve's widow?" ,

She replied she wasn't a widow, and I said "I bet you a crate of Stella you are"

 

A man went to the doctor and complains that his sex drive is too high.

The doctor replied that usually when men complain to him about their sex drive it’s because it’s too low.

The man said, “No Doc you have to help me, give me a pill or something, my sex drive is out-of-control.”

The doctor said, “Well, let me ask you this, how many times a week do you and your wife have sex?”

“About three or four times a week.” Said the man.

“There, you see? That’s not unusual at all.” Said the doctor.

“But then there’s my wife’s sister too.“

“Oh... well, how many times a week do you and your wife’s sister have sex?” The doctor asked.

“About three or four times a week.” Replied the man.

“OK.” The doctor said. “Well, that’s a lot but still, you’re healthy, just take your vitamins and I don’t think there’s anything to worry about.“

“But then there’s the babysitter.“ Said the man.“

“My God! How many times a week do you and the babysitter have sex?“ Asked the doctor.

“About three or four times a week.” Said the man.

“OK look, you need to watch out. You’re going to strain yourself if you’re not careful.“ Warned the doctor. “But I still don’t think we need to resort to any kind of medication.”

“And then there’s the next-door neighbor’s wife.“ Said the man.

“And how many times a week do you and the next-door neighbor’s wife have sex?!?” The doctor exclaimed.

“About three or four times a week.” The man said.

“For the love of God man - You’ve got to get a hold of yourself” exclaimed the doctor.

“I do Doc, about three or four times a week.“

 

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of Irish countryside.

The old pump attendant (who knows absolutely nothin about golf), greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" & bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on this God's earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything "