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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. The wife complained that I keep telling her how to cook.

    The conversation got quite heated, so I told her to simmer down.
     
    #7521 Rudolph Hart, May 13, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  2. 9D84AFB0-BAC4-42FB-8E41-A0083B489123.jpeg
     
    #7522 JimVee, May 14, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  3. 46EFFA43-7CCC-45D3-8C7A-28E5777F6884.jpeg
     
    #7523 JimVee, May 14, 2019
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
  4. Q. You are trapped in a room with a lion, a cobra and a government minister.
    You have a revolver with two bullets, what should you do?

    A. Shoot the government minister twice...
     
    #7524 Rudolph Hart, May 14, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 5
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  5. "Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus today, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

    "It's not semen!" she replied, "It's probably yoghurt."

    "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."
     
    #7525 JimVee, May 15, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 4
  6. Q. What's the difference between a wife and a mosquito?

    A. The mosquito is only annoying during the summer..
     
    #7526 Rudolph Hart, May 15, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 4
  7. I ordered some stuff online earlier and used my donor card instead of my credit card.

    It cost me an arm and a leg.
     
    #7527 El Toro, May 15, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  8. A transgender weightlifter has vowed to return after being stripped of 4 titles.

    She reckons she needs more work on her snatch..
     
    #7528 Rudolph Hart, May 15, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 4
    • Like Like x 2
  9. Actually laughed out loud at that one :upyeah:
     
    #7529 Kingfixer, May 15, 2019
    • Agree Agree x 1
  10. Q. What's the difference between a battery and a mother-in-law?

    A. A battery has a positive side.
     
    #7530 Rudolph Hart, May 15, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  11. I fucking love Ebay...........

    ..........I've sold my homing pigeons four times this month!!
     
    #7531 El Toro, May 15, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  12. My wife is a light eater:

    As soon as it’s light, she starts to eat..
     
    #7532 Rudolph Hart, May 15, 2019
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  13. For fuck's sake, one of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported on suspicion of spying.

    Now we don't have Oleg to stand on.
     
    #7533 El Toro, May 16, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 2
  14. Our window cleaner also works as a spiritualist:

    He contacts the dead on a squeegee board..
     
    #7534 Rudolph Hart, May 16, 2019
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  15. [​IMG]
     
    #7535 wroughtironron, May 16, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 2
  16. [​IMG]
     
    #7536 wroughtironron, May 16, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 4
    • Like Like x 1
  17. My mate said he didn't understand what cloning was.

    I said that makes two of us.
     
    #7537 Rudolph Hart, May 16, 2019
    • Like Like x 2
  18. Reminds me when we sold some ducks to a farm down the road a few miles...and they arrived back later!
     
    #7538 ibgarrow, May 16, 2019
  19. Q. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road, and a dead mother-in-law in the road?

    A. Skid marks in front of the dog...
     
    #7539 Rudolph Hart, May 16, 2019
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  20. I hate it when parents name their kids after shit they can’t afford.
    • Mercedes
    • Ruby
    • Porche
    • Lecky
    • Gas
    • Phone bill
    • Council tax
     
    #7540 wroughtironron, May 16, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 2
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