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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. An elderly blind man said to his wife, "Are you wearing flip flops?"

    "No." She replied. "I'm not wearing my bra."
     
    #7541 Rudolph Hart, May 17, 2019
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  2. I did a sponsored walk once…....................in the end, I’d managed to raise so much money that I could afford a taxi.
     
    #7542 El Toro, May 17, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 1
  3. Chris Grayling has been rejected as a sperm bank donor:

    He’s well known as a useless wanker..
     
    #7543 Rudolph Hart, May 17, 2019
    • Agree Agree x 2
  4. Avoid getting an erection during rectal examinations by waiting outside while the vet examines your dog.
     
    #7544 El Toro, May 19, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 2
  5. My mate confused the words 'Yakuza' and 'Jacuzzi'.

    He's now in hot water with the Japanese Mafia...
     
    #7545 Rudolph Hart, May 19, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 2
  6. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.

    The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

    However, he wrote:

    1) It is perfect formula for the child.
    2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
    3) It is always the right temperature.
    4) It is inexpensive.
    5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
    6) It is always available as needed.

    And then the student was stuck.

    Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

    7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

    He got an A+.
     
    #7546 El Toro, May 19, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 3
  7. A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 Champions League final. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

    If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Pauls Church in West Derby Liverpool at 5 PM. Her name is Emma. She will be the one in the white dress..
     
    #7547 Rudolph Hart, May 19, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
  8. Bloody hell that was a scary afternoon.

    Just back from hospital to have a mole removed from the end of my knob!

    Don't worry...I'll be fine so they advise.


    However, I'm no longer allowed to keep pets and the Police let me off with a caution
     
    #7548 Wassy, May 20, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 2
  9. I went for an operation last week, the anesthetist said he could sedate me with gas, or with a whack from a paddle.


    It was an ether/oar decision.
     
    #7549 GarySN, May 20, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 2
  10. My mate said he uses the ‘Liverpool position’ when having sex:

    He stays on top for ages, and then comes 2nd..
     
    #7550 Rudolph Hart, May 20, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 1
  11. I mixed up my toothpaste with my hemorrhoids cream. I ended up with shrunken gums and a ring of confidence.
     
    #7551 Expat Jack, May 20, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 1
  12. Q. Why can’t you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?

    A. Because all the mugs are on the field, and all the cups are at the Etihad Stadium.
     
    #7552 Rudolph Hart, May 20, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 2
  13. Ladbrokes are offering 4 to 1 that Niki Lauda survives his cremation.
     
    #7553 The Bar Man, May 22, 2019
    • Dislike Dislike x 3
    • Funny Funny x 2
  14. My mate left 2 Notts County season tickets on the dashboard of his car yesterday.

    Someone smashed the side window and left 2 more....
     
    #7554 Rudolph Hart, May 22, 2019
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  15. An old, blind Royal Engineer wanders into a Para's bar by mistake.
    He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
    'Hey, you wanna hear a Para joke?'

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
    In a very deep, husky voice, the Para next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke,Sapper, I think it is only fair, given that
    you are blind, that you should know five things:
    1. The bartender is a Para with a baseball bat.
    2. The bouncer is a Para
    3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 210-pound Para with a black belt in karate.
    4. The Para sitting next to me is a professional weight lifter.
    5. The Para to your right is a professional boxer.
    'Now, think about it seriously Sapper. Do you still wanna tell that fucking Para joke?'
    The blind Royal Engineer thinks for a second, shakes his head, necks his JD and shouts,

    'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five fucking times!!
     
    #7555 JimVee, May 23, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  16. I went to the shop to pick up 8 cans of Sprite.

    But when I got home I realised I only picked 7up..
     
    #7556 Rudolph Hart, May 23, 2019
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  17. Apparently 85% of all Harley Davidsons are still on the road

    The other 15% must of made it home...................
     
    #7557 Talentless, May 23, 2019
  18. Q. How can you tell when a bad singer is at the door?

    A. He can't find the key, and when he has it he doesn't know when to come in..
     
    #7558 Rudolph Hart, May 23, 2019
  19. 992C4FCA-BF2E-496C-8087-27783635265A.jpeg
     
    #7559 JimVee, May 24, 2019
    • Funny Funny x 1
  20. Last night a bloke in the pub sold me a baby Stegosaurus for £500.

    I must have been pissed, 'cos when I woke up this morning it turned out to be a cat with a Toblerone glued to its back.
     
    #7560 Rudolph Hart, May 24, 2019
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 2
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