Joke Page

I was round at my mate Dave’s house when someone from TV licensing came to his door so I had a cheeky listen to the conversation.

"Do you watch live TV sir?" said the chap from the TV Licensing Department.

"Nah mate, TV's shit, I don't even own one. I prefer listening to my music" said Dave

"May I pop inside and look so I can confirm that and put that on our system?" said TV License man

"I don't have to let you in do I?" replied Dave

"No sir, but if you don’t let me in when you say you don't own a TV, that gives me reason to believe that you could have a TV and therefore require a licence" said the man

"To be fair mate” said Dave “the girl at number 23 won't let me in her knickers, that doesn't mean I've got reason to believe she could have a cock..."

And with that, the door was closed.

 

My mate Dave got home from work yesterday evening to find one of his other friends shagging his wife, Julie.

Incensed at being betrayed by his "so called friend" he lost his temper and beat him to within an inch of his life.

Trying to calm him down, Dave's wife said “Dave please stop hitting him...............If you carry on like that, you’ll have no mates left."

 

My mate Dave was taken ill and rushed to hospital .

As he was lying in bed in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose a young student nurse appeared and started to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbled from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replied "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

Dave was struggling but asked again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that Dave might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and pulled back the covers.

The young nurse raised his gown, held his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

As she looked very closely she said "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine to me."

Dave slowly pulled off his oxygen mask and smiled at her. Very slowly he said "Thank you very much nurse. That was wonderful. But listen very, very closely...............Are - my - test - results - back?"

 

My mate Dave went into church for confession and said to the priest, "Bless me father for I have sinned......I almost had an affair with a married woman."

The priest said to Dave "What do you mean, almost?"

"Well” said Dave “We both got undressed and rubbed our bodies up against each other, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing up together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put £20 in the poor box."

Dave left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"

Dave replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £20 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

 

Last night my mate Dave met a beautiful woman in a bar in town.

They talked all night and realising that they really hit it off, they ended up leaving the bar together.

When they got back to her place, she decided to show him around her house.

When they got to her bedroom Dave immediately noticed that it was completely packed with teddy bears.

She had hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

Though Dave thought it was a little strange, but decided not to say anything as he looked to be on for “a good time”.

Dave turned to her... they kissed, the fondled each other ... and then they ripped each others clothes off and had mad, passionate and intense sex.

After such an intense night of passion, they were both lying there together in the afterglow. Dave rolled over and asked smiling,

"Well, how was it for you?”

The woman said "It was good thanks. You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

 

My mate Dave went into our local pharmacy.

He said to the lady behind the counter “Good morning , I’d like some cyanide please”

"Why in the world would you need cyanide??" she asked Dave

Dave then explained that he needed it to kill his wife.

The pharmacists, with a look of horror on her face said "Good Lord!! I can't give you cyanide to kill your wife! It's against the law! I will lose my license and they will throw us both in jail! Just leave and forget you ever came in here before I call the police!"

Dave then reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out several pictures of his wife in bed with the pharmacists husband, in very compromising positions.

The pharmacist looked at the pictures and said "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."